While Republican, blogging housewives all across this great land throw their weight behind the troops with nightly prayers and the purchase of a $2.49 magnetic yellow ribbon (or, for the truly dedicated, sometimes two, each flanking the keyhole of the rear hatch on the minivan)...
While Democratic undergrounders and Sheehanites claim to be against the war but in support of the troops, even though they're a bunch of mindless baby-killers under the influence of Bushy McChimpHitler Halliburton IV*, and the moonbats have the protest signs to prove it...
Some folks are actually coming up with good ideas.
Support the Troops -- Hire ThemUnfortunately, my position is one of indirect influence on the organization, and not one where I am making hiring decisions, so I can't be much help there.
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, nearly one in five veterans age 20 to 24 is unemployed. This is three times the national average...
A disclaimer: I have never served in the military. And it doesn't take a lot of reading between the lines of my writing to see that I, like the majority of Americans, believe that enough people have died in Iraq, and it's time for us to get the heck out of there.
But I do think our soldiers have tackled a really tough assignment, and the vast majority have represented their uniform and country well. I'm not sure that I'd say that returning vets should get special treatment, but for the youngest of the returning soldiers to have three times the unemployment rate of nonvets is embarrassing. And wrong...
Support the troops by hiring them, it's the least that we can all do.
However, as I've mentioned previously on this, m'wee bit of webspace, I have a fair bit of experience in drafting resumes for myself and others. Going through two outplacement programs helps (one when I voluntarily left a company, one when I was laid off).
So, here's the deal. If you're ex-military, or soon to be, and have recently returned from a tour of duty only to find the civilian workworld a strange creature, I'll take a look at your resume for free and give some feedback via email. It's gratis, so you can take it or leave it; your call - if you've done your research on how to sell yourself, you probably won't need much help from me anyway.
Alternatively, if you find the feedback valuable but still aren't comfortable being your own pimp, I'll rework the whole thing for you, with your input, but that takes a lot more time, something my dearth of blogging should indicate isn't in great supply; thus, it also takes money (time is money, so I am told). Price negotiable depending on how much work will be required, but - overall - I work pretty cheap I think.**
Granted, a good resume doesn't guarantee anyone a job - and I won't go so far as some companies that promise you an interview if you use their services (it strikes me as a dating service promising you a wedding, only to find out she's a hairy mail-order bride). I might be able to help you get the date - but getting to the corporate altar is up to you; just avoid the hirsute, postage-paid womenfolk.
So, fellow bloggers, left and right, how are you supporting the troops? And how can we do more for them once they return?
* Obviously, I do not share this view.
** I hope that doesn't sound like a crass sales pitch, but between work, family, and the money and time I give to other causes I support, something's got to give.
When news about Pope Benedict recently suggested the Church might lean back toward intelligent design, I thought - oh brother (Father?) - he's wanting to drive the Masses of kneeling masses back to the intellectual level of a rock.
I was wrong.
It's actually a really, really, really dumb rock. With a lisp. And a gimpy leg. You know, if rocks had legs. Or mouths. Or brains even.
Adolf Hitler and Russian leader Stalin were possessed by the Devil, the Vatican's chief exorcist has claimed.This is frightening for a number of reasons:
Father Gabriele Amorth who is Pope Benedict XVI's 'caster out of demons' made his comments during an interview with Vatican Radio...
"You can tell by their behaviour and their actions, from the horrors they committed and the atrocities that were committed on their orders. That's why we need to defend society from demons."
Look down at your feet.
Go on. Do it.
See that sock? It's supposed to go in the shoe, not over it.
But that attacking monkey sure was.
Note: I mean, honestly, it's sure a lot more original and (possibly) creative than the suggestions of many of the commenters...
Update: Ugh is all gone. Rae, who stayed at WWR HQ, is probably just about back to her home by now. And you can see some photos of the event over at Stacy's (who, despite being religious and such, is still quite alright in my book).
Tonight's the Rocky Mountain Blogger Bash V.V - be there or be sober and probably pretty sad and lonely, like, in your mom's basement or maybe a church function where old ladies knit... items.
If you show up and I don't remember you from the last one, please forgive me - it's just that you're so much taller / shorter / skinnier / fatter / better looking / oblong than I recall.
It's not you. It's me.
(Shannon, formerly of the Mile High Metropolis, wishes she could be there to, like, totally crush on me).
Possibly even less cool:
(two of the above found via Innocent Bystanders)
He says he isn't suggesting we use our nuclear power, but I'm not sure how we deal with Iran if appeasement won't work. Do we wait for something so dreadful that it is necessary? All I know is that it did make me feel a bit better to read about our nuclear capacity. It's the gun in the closet at our home that we hope to never ever use. But if someone breaks in and tries to attack those we love, we are so very glad we have it.Either I'm not so very right-leaning these days, or the right-wing has leaned clear off the edge of reason.
I believe nuclear weapons are a necessary deterrent against an equally-armed and rational enemy state (e.g. MAD policy). I believe if attacked by a recognized state with nuclear weapons, we have an obligation to respond in kind.
But - in the age of smart bombs and a largely amorphous enemy - to compare the annihilation of tens of thousands of people in minutes to a shotgun in the closet is either (a) inadvertently one of the weakest metaphors I've ever seen or (b) demonstrative of a kind of callous flippancy and disregard for our common humanity that leaves me gobsmacked.
There's a legitimate debate regarding the moral calculus of our past use of nuclear weapons, of firebombing entire cities... but the march of progress has continued, and the means of conducting war are no exception. If Iran pursues an offensive nuclear program, as it will, I believe we have the means to cripple it without mushroom clouds over Tehran.
Our enemy seeks to obliterate soldier and civilian alike; we look for ways to spare innocent human lives in the necessary evil of warfare.
I have no desire to be like the enemy.
May your Republican God forgive you if you do.
Oh brother. Talk about confusing the issues.
Seth Brigham, of the Rocky Mountain Peace Center, holds up a sign about JonBenet Ramsey, Iraq and Lebanon, in front of a courthouse in Boulder, Colo., Monday, Aug. 21, 2006, in anticipation of a court hearing of John Mark Karr.And he's doing this because...
A large Canadian study adds to evidence that women with breast implants do not face a higher risk of cancer or other major diseases, but they may have a higher-than-average rate of suicide.The headline, reflecting the need for journalism schools to teach a bit more science and statistics, would seem to imply that, if you pump your chest full of silicone, it might make you decide to pump your skull full of buckshot.
A moment's thought, however, would suggest that boob jobs and suicide might have something in common: a sense of lacking in the personal worth department. The article does get around to making that point, somewhere toward the end, long after most of America has clicked away in boredom, because - really - the word "breast" isn't nearly as amusing as "hooters," "chesticles," or "funbags."
So, go on, get your mammaries maximized. Be the hostess with the milky mostess. Just don't kill yourself over it.
While big ol' boobdom is nifty on the living, it leaves something to be desired in the dead. As in the immortal lyrics of David Wilcox:
Well the surgeons try to tell youSilicone suicide - don't do it!*
That the world will love you better
If you let 'em cut your body
And put those mounds inside your sweater
But just think of the investment
Now how long those things will last
You know, silicone is permanent
Even after you have passed
When the rest of you has faded
In some box under some stone
Yeah you'll still have your silly cones
Balanced on your bones
Well, the suicide part anyway.
* This line is a rip-off from what 1980s movie?
You know, that sweet one in which a bigbox superstore rolls over all the kikes, towelheads, and gooks.
Andrew Young, the American civil rights leader who was hired by Wal- Mart Stores to improve its public image, has resigned from that post after telling an African-American newspaper that Jewish, Arab and Korean shop owners had "ripped off" urban communities for years, "selling us stale bread, and bad meat and wilted vegetables."...but, lest he be misunderstood, after resigning his position Mr. Young clarified for those who may have been offended:
In the interview, published Thursday in The Los Angeles Sentinel, a weekly, Young said Wal-Mart should displace mom-and-pop stores in urban neighborhoods.
"You see those are the people who have been overcharging us," he said of the owners of the small stores, "and they sold out and moved to Florida. I think they've ripped off our communities enough. First it was Jews, then it was Koreans and now it's Arabs."
"It's against everything I ever thought in my life," Young said. "It never should have been said. I was speaking in the context of Atlanta, and that does not work in New York or Los Angeles."See, it's only those Atlanta kikes, towelheads, and gooks that are the problem. The rest of you he just wants to hug and kiss and call you by a name appropriate to our shared ancestral African heritage.
Just as the oppressed can become the oppressor, the victim of racism isn't immune from being a Jew-, Arab-, Korean-hating bigot behind a friendly Wal-Mart smiley face.
But wait, there's more!
Explaining his comments about Koreans, Jews and Arabs, Young said he was referring to the history of retail ownership in the neighborhood where he lives in southwestern Atlanta.So, he doesn't just loathe these people because of their race; he loathes them for being successful. For bettering themselves. For pursuing the American dream.
"Almost everyone who has come into my community has moved in, made money and moved out and moved up," he said. "That process is still continuing."
Now, that's a damn fine message to be sending to the black community, isn't it? It would seem that Mr. Young gave up the fight for equal rights in favor of the search for cultural excuses.
How very sad.
It's all the news here in the Denver area - and the rest of the country - that the killer of JonBenet Ramsey has most likely been caught.
What is there to say that hasn't already been said? I mean, other than the fact that the guy wears his chinos way too high and has an usually thin neck. Oh, and that most of us, if we love someone, don't try to kidnap them for ransom and then end up killing them when it all goes horribly wrong.
I admit to being one of those that thought maybe Mrs. Ramsey had a hand in her death. There was the ransom note that matched Mr. Ramsey's bonus. There was the hidden nook into which her body had been stuffed. There was the crime scene, contaminated by the actions of Mr. Ramsey.
And, of course, there was the fact that taking your six year old daughter and dressing her up like an adult and parading her around on stage like some kind of organic Barbie wanna-be is a bit disturbing and strikes me as an attempt by a mother to vicariously live a life without the failings of her own childhood.
Putting all of that aside, however, I am going to - and this doesn't happen often, folks! - admit that I was wrong about all of that. Except for the child beauty pageant stuff; that's just weird.
Patsy Ramsey was tried in the media, judged by the public, and spent ten years under a cloud of suspicion and loathing. I'm glad that, before she passed away, she knew that her name might soon be cleared.
Those of us who judged her too soon should feel at least some shame*.
On the other hand, everyone knows that OJ was guilty.
Update: Hmmm... now Karr's ex-wife says he was in Alabama at the time of the murder. Denver is a good 20 hour drive from Alabama - and flying back and forth would take two days, given the timing of the murder.
Also, Karr's father says he thought his son was dead.
Of further interest is Karr's apparent fascination with the Ramsey and Klass child killing cases, to the point that a professor of Karr's (he attended college late to study education) recommended he write a book about the Ramsey murder.
Could it be that he's not the killer, but rather a delusional, obsessive pedophiliac nutjob?
* And, yes, Mr. Karr, the accused, is "innocent until proven guilty." However, when one admits to the love and murder of a child, it's a wee bit damning.
Or, more appropriately, dummies hunting.
Despite my recurrent mocking of country star Toby Keith and his shallow-themed music, I have the impression that he's probably a pretty upstanding guy. In reality, I have no idea, but at least I've never seen a story about him like this:
Troy Lee Gentry, of the country singing duo Montgomery Gentry, has been accused of killing a tame black bear that federal officials say he tagged as killed in the wild...Wow, Troy, quite the man you are. Tell you what - if you ever want to do a fishing video, you bring the gun and I'll bring the barrel.
Authorities allege that Gentry purchased the bear from Greenly, a wildlife photographer and hunting guide, then killed it with a bow and arrow in an enclosed pen on Greenly's property in October 2004...
The bear's death was videotaped, and the tape later edited so Gentry appeared to shoot the animal in a "fair chase" hunting situation, the government alleges.
And maybe Toby could write a song called "The Angry Vegetarian" in response.
Mrs. Betty Bowers has her say:
After all, who wants to be lectured about not being Christian enough by an almost-50 year-old boozehound in a black leather miniskirt who has never been married? Count me as having a healthy skepticism over whether Miss Coulter has saved herself for marriage. Or anything, for that matter....and...
With a mouth so busy frothing it apparently has no time to eat, Miss Coulter claims to be livid at these opportunistic widows for being crass enough to remember the event that killed the father of their children....and...
Of course, Ann's every utterance is a carefully choreographed gambit to convert sensationalistic bad taste into sensationally good sales. In this way she is like another rapidly aging blond sex kitten, Madonna, someone else with no discernable talent other than getting people to ask, "Did she really do that?"...and...
Indeed, it seems that Miss Coulter's whole sense of self comes from thinking she is a "hot young babe" who drives, presumably myopic, men wild with a sexual desire so ardent they no longer hear the nonsense she is saying. Goodness me, who would have ever guessed that the Achilles heel for most Republican men would be the sight of pre-operative transsexuals in dresses made for someone 20 years younger?Ouch.
The Waterbury Connecticut Republicans, engaging in grassroots McCarthyism, could probably use a reminder that atheists visit the ballot box (despite Bush Sr.'s hesitancy on the topic - good thing I was a Catholic back then).
In the linked bit of mindless editorializing, they make it quite clear that not only does Democrat Ned Lamont have some left-wing nuts hanging from the family tree, but those nuts were... get this... godless!
I'm not sure if I should be more concerned that these pandering fools are trying to conflate the horrors of communism with atheism, or if quite a few Republicans are probably dimwitted enough to buy it and then go put on some Toby Keith tunes.
So, hey, Republicans - even though I've known since the Terri Schiavo debacle that your "big tent" is naught but a lean-to - I'm an atheist, and I vote. Sometimes, when the issues demand it, I vote for Republicans.
Although it would appear you are doing your best to make sure that changes.
Update: RWS says:
No offense to andy and BigDog, but NRO just had a thing on atheists and how very few there are of yall and that you really don't make much of a difference as a voting bloc.Here's the Podhoretz NRO bit, if you're interested.
According to Gallup, the number of self-described atheists in America is astoundingly small. In the latest Gallup poll, only 3 percent of Americans say there is no God, while another 4 percent say God probably does not exist — that's a total of 7 percent in the atheist camp. Only 5 percent say "God maybe exists," so there are your agnostics. So if the Right is doing something to turn off atheists and agnostics, it clearly can survive their disaffection.In an election that isn't close, I would agree with Podhoretz completely. In one that is close, 7-12 percent of the population is pretty significant, particularly in light of the evidence that the non-religious are, according to several polls and studies, more intelligent than the people filling the pews*.
Although, I suppose pandering works best on the not-so-bright, so maybe they don't want to work for our vote after all.
* The exception, of course, would be the guy at the front of the church. He's clearly brilliant in that he's getting a lot of folks to throw money at him each week. I wish I had thought of that!
Back from a brief culinary respite, here we find ourselves again.
Tonight, the WWR clan enjoyed Grilled Pork Chops with Orange Barbecue Sauce, out on the patio, under threatening skies. As quick-and-easy sides, green beans and brown rice; nothing too exciting there. My apologies.
Beverage? A 2000 Markham Vineyards Merlot that had been laying in wait in the wine fridge for a couple of years. I'm afraid I might have caught it at a bit of a dumb phase in its aging, as - while drinkable - nothing leapt out at me in the initial flavors or finish.
The chops, however, were quite good - citrus spice on the first bite, followed by a slow burn as the meal progressed.
One small prepatory hint: whilst chopping jalapenos, don't - uh - rub your eyes without thinking. Or, well, with thinking. Unless you like weepy pain.
Throughout my travels, travails, and trials in the blogosphere, when it comes to the so-called Culture War, I've run across more than one unapologetically stupid creationist.
However, I think "tom," commenting over at Right Wing Nut House, has surpassed anything I've seen to date. To wit:
Of course evolution just works on living things, not on inorganic matter, for some reason….computers didn’t evolve, neither did steel. Evolution sure is picky!!...and...
thanks for illustrating my point….and why wouldn’t evolution work on non-living things? Does gravity work on living and non-living things?I suppose I could point to the evolution of the Cylons on Battlestar Galactica, but that would be (a) just too dorky and (b) fiction. However, I'm willing to bet that "tom" gets his anti-evolution sentiments from another work of imagination, the Bible, so maybe he would find it convincing.
After all, he certainly isn't buying what's in those textbooks and peer-reviewed papers. I mean, really, what would someone who studies evolution know about evolution?
Coincidentally, the post in question was about the failure of our schools to teach sound science to students, resulting in a large percentage of Americans not accepting evolution (we scored just ahead of Turkey). Rick Moran, of RWNH, blames the Democrats and the public education system. PZ Myers wags his finger (using the study's conclusions) at religious belief and the Republican party. I think there's plenty of blame to go around, but I'm not inclined to jump into that debate just now.
Rather, let's focus on something on which we can all agree: that "tom" sure is dumb.
Thinking about the thousands of innocent lives that could have been lost in an attack on only nine 747s in the latest, foiled threat, some perspective might be in order. The image below shows all non-military flights being tracked in (or near) US airspace as of this evening at 9:25 MDT.
I'm not saying that losing nine or ten planes would be inconsequential; certainly not: it would rival or surpass the horror of 9/11. I am saying that asking every new mother on every one of these flights to take a sip of their carry-on breastmilk or formula before allowing them on the plane is, well, silly. Non-productive. Approaching the problem from the wrong angle.
Something the TSA likes to do.
Luggage is not the problem. Carry-on items are not the problem. People are the problem. Certain people.
I'm not even going to go all wingnutter on you and suggest we target brown-skinned Arabs and give a pass to everyone else. Rather, it seems to me, that we need to focus on computer-assisted passenger screening (CAPS) and allow the systems to tell us for whom we should be looking:
In fact, in 1998 a U.S. aviation official, Cathryn Flunn, told a congressional hearing that computers can do this kind of figuring better than human beings....Does this work? Based on results from the U.S. Customs Service, the answer is "yes:"
Into this first computer-assisted passenger screening (or CAPS) system went some two dozen different piece of information about each passenger, taken from the airline computers. Out came a score, which, if it was above a certain number, caused the passenger's luggage to be "targeted" for a search....
No CAPS criteria, testified Flynn, "none of them, have to do with ethnicity of people; none have to do with association with names, with ethnic groups; none have to do with race or religion."1
Data soon confirmed that well-targeted methods for creating truly good statistics about real people could spot more criminals than do human-kind predictions based on race, ethnicity, or gender. In 1999... the Customs Service searched 23,108 people and found smuggled [contraband] in 533 instances. In the first eight months of 2001, the service had logged 734 seizures -- but it only searched 6,111 people.So, a 50% increase in seizures with a 75% reduction in searches.
And minorities were no longer disproportionately targeted.And there it is. CAIR won't be able to whine about the oppression of the Muslim brotherhood.
I'm a civil libertarian, and I'm naturally skeptical of the government acquiring personally-relevant information without a clear explanation of its intended use, and without explicit safeguards to prevent abuse. However, our energies are better spent discussing that topic than sniffing every bottle of shampoo going through Gate 5.
Although, that chamomile shampoo sure smells nice.
Update: The Wall Street Journal says just such a change in approach is taking place.
1 Berreby, David. Us and Them: Understanding Your Tribal Mind. Little, Brown and Company, New York, 2005. pp. 53-55.
Being a somewhat frequent traveler between the US and the UK on United Airlines, this was unsettling news:
The United States on Thursday raised its terror threat level after British police said they had arrested more than 20 suspects in a major terrorist plot to blow up passenger jets flying between the United Kingdom and the United States.I think, uh, maybe I'll just stay Stateside for a while.
The foiled plot was "intended to be mass murder on an unimaginable scale," Metropolitan Police Deputy Commissioner Paul Stephenson said.
The intelligence that uncovered the plot "makes very strong links to al Qaeda," a senior U.S. administration official told CNN.
Kudos to the British police and intelligence services for the take-down.
(Pssst... a little reminder to too many on the left*: there's a war on).
My time here is at end. Due to Shannon's baiting of me in a foolish attempt to make me look perverted, I doubt I can ever accept guest-blogging duties with her again. I shall only do so alone and also vow to harass her endlessly at her blog. Seriously though, check her writings out every now and then, she's funny and for this single man, a wonderful glimpse into the beauty of motherhood. I wish her and her family all the best in their adventures in "tax 'em until they bleed" Canada.
As for every stupid post or comment under my name, my rigorous examination of the IP address has revealed the location to be from South Carolina. After confronting Andy, he has confessed to making them and allowed me to have a final word. It was his pathetic attempt to discredit me in order to prevent me from becoming more popular than him. Thanks for nothing, you little winky-dinky, golf-hating, Ultimate playing, militant atheist!
And that's my way of saying thanks.
...otherwise entitled Breaking Up Is Hard To Do. Thanks, Blake, both for talking about my boobies and for making me laugh. Thanks to the four of you who played my game. Thanks to Andy's usuals for putting up with the silliness all week.
And thanks to you, Andy, for letting me come over to play this week. If nothing else comes of it, at least it got Peg to delurk.
(You didn't really think I was going to let that slide, did you, Peg?)
We're back from vacation. Details at some point, or maybe not. I suspect it'd be rather like having your neighbor invite you over for a slide show.
The clock says 10pm; the body says midnight. Time for bed.
I thought since I was so mean to Canada earlier, that it would be nice to tell you all some of the good things about her. The first time I ever came to Canada was in June of this year, and the images that will always stay with me of my first few days are all a lot like this:
Gimme gimme more more more »
If you have ever seen anything more beautiful that that, you are a lucky dog. (The scenery, silly. Not the baby. Yes, I know, she is the most gorgeous baby girl alive today. Let's not harp on such vain things.) It is seriously beautiful here all the time. Sometimes, on our walks, the boys and I are left speechless by the sheer beauty of this place.
And to the credit of the people here, once they get past you being an American, once you win them over with charming children and the sweet smell of cakes and pies, they get nice. Really nice, in fact. My neighbor lent me her car the second day I was here to get to the grocery. My other neighbors offered their car after knowing us for one day. (I still don't have my car, can you tell?)
They are viciously proud of their province and go out of their way to support local businesses and use local products. There are billboards everywhere encouraging people to shop locally. The market has produce labeled by USA grown, (insert other area here) grown, or BC grown. The BC grown, invariably, is the juiciest, the freshest, the yummiest and the cheapest.
There are no highways through the city, so you can drive if you want to or you can use public transit. The public transit system here is f'ing brilliant and EVERYONE uses it. The skytrain (monorail thingy that runs through the major parts of the city) can get you almost anywhere you need to go. The buses run really late, are well lit, clean and safe. It is cheap to ride and one fare covers you on the skytrain, the buses or the seabus, with a large window of time to use a transfer.
They recycle here. They REALLY recycle here. The city that I live in implemented a city-wide recycling push a few years ago, and in the first year the city reduced its waste production by 42%. Forty. Two. Per. Cent. That is a ton of trash not going into a landfill. They have neato little pamphlets they give you outlining what is garbage and what they expect you to recycle. In Denver, at least the downtown area, if you chose to recycle you had to pay the city a fee for the privilege and then rent the little purple box from the recycling company. Here, everyone is happy to do it. And it feels good.
You know when you buy a can of tuna and after you squeeze out all the water, you have, like, 1/3 of a can of tuna left? Not here. Those little tin cans are f'ing FULL.
There are more nice things, but I don't want to ruin it for you. You should come visit Vancouver sometime. I'll take you out for pancakes & maple syrup.
« That's plenty, thanks!
Anyone here watch Hell's Kitchen on Fox? I love this show. Along with watching Giada De Laurentiis on the Food Network, it makes me sometimes wish I had enrolled in a culinary school instead of getting a worthless-in-the-real-world business degree.
That Chef Ramsay is such a sweetheart though. He reminds me of my high school basketball coach. The stories I could tell about him!
One of the major reasons why I never comment on left-leaning blogs is because of the "chickenhawk" slur (bigot or racist are other favorites.) Most of you should know what I'm referring to and if not, look it up yourself. Even though I do continue to support the war in Iraq, I'd like to think I can still debate it civilly without resorting to ad hominem attacks. You can find some variation of this slur used all over the left blogosphere and in conservative blogs comment sections. (It's one the reasons why I'm now refraining from the comments at one of my favorite blogs. The vitriol from the lefty commentors is getting out-of-hand and I'm disappointed the owner is not doing a better job of moderating them.)
The use of "chickenhawk" is not a true debate tactic. It's designed solely to change the focus, mock and shame you into a silly defensive posture from which there is no adequate response to the one slurring you. Once I've encountered the slur in a discussion, that's it for me. I'm not going to bother trying to explain why it's stupid. Quite frankly, the use of it is the product of a weak mind.
I hope everyone had a nice weekend. In my Gay Marriage post last week, some of you disagreed with me when I suggested advocates had used the wrong strategy. Lo and behold, an interesting article came out over the weekend that appears to back up my views. Read the article here and let me know your thoughts.
I think it's pretty clear that trying to work through the courts and circumventing the will of the people, i.e. legislatures, has badly backfired and it will take years to recover. This isn't like the Civil Rights era because one, we are dealing with a much smaller percentage of the population, and two, greater civil rights for minorities took a long time and were ultimately resolved via executive and legislative power. People also forget the impact of DOMA (signed in 1996) that basically allows the states to determine their definition of marriage.
It's not demanding for what's right, right now. Instead smart activists attempt an optimum course to get the people on your side first. (No matter how long it takes.)
When I moved to Canada 6 weeks ago, it was the first time since this
that I had left American soil. And this consisted of hopping across the Mexican border, getting pawed at by little children, offered some (good, I imagine) coke, buying some cheap ass Marlboros and that green guitar up there that T could not live without and hopping back over. It certainly was not enough to get a taste of real life outside American borders.
I have had a taste of life outside American borders now and I have some thoughts.
Gimme gimme more more more »
Allow me to preface this by stating for clarification that I am by no means "a patriot" and have never once ever put my hand over my heart and pledged anything to a piece of fabric and have serious issue flying to any other country just to kill people. Enjoy the native food and nightlife, sure! Shoot the native cooks and clubowners, not so much. Forgive me for this, I was raised in a crazy cult and some things just get embedded into your soul.
So moving to Canada was no problem for me, patriotism-wise. I was quite excited, actually, for some good national healthcare, soft drug laws and cheap sushi.
We have already covered my feelings on the legalization of marijuana, so let's jump right on in to Free Health Care! Which actually isn't free, at all. Yes, everyone gets healthcare and yes you only have to pay like $100 a month for family coverage (which is a savings of, like, a LOT from my premiums in the states) but there are catches. First of all, it seems that how it works is that you go to the doctor, pay him after your visit, go home and then file enough paperwork with BC health care to make a Vogon blush
and then wait to be reimbursed by the province. Which, to their credit, they are shockingly efficient at. But, let's say you are like, homeless, or like really dirt ass poor. I imagine that upfront expense may be a bit beyond some people's means. And I hear that if you need something big like a CAT scan or breast-reduction surgery that you have to wait what ends up being a LONG ASS time.
The doctors offices here, for the most part, seem to all be walk-in medical clinics. You know who else uses the walk-in medical clinic system? The American welfare system, that's who. Ever spent any time in the American welfare system? I have. 16 glorious years. Let me tell you, there are few things as frustrating, demeaning and down-right dirty as the walk-in medical clinic. There is something to be said for the cushy waiting room with the piped in Michael Bolton and the cheesy fake waterfall with purple lights. I like reading Better Homes and Gardens while sipping on complementary apple-spice tea. Waiting on plastic chairs under florescent lights with smelly people for a person who may or may not ever call my name because no one actually has an appointment just doesn't do it for me.
Next subject....Immigrants! I have never lived near a border, so I have never witnesses the problems people in, say, Arizona or Texas do that cause such anger around the immigration issues. The places I have lived have always been pretty cool with people from different places. Ever time I have ever met anyone from Canada or Mexico, it's been sunshine and rainbows. Recipes have been exchanged. Syrup has been consumed. Nice things.
You know something? They don't like Americans here. They really don't like us. Every time I have said that we moved here because my husband got a job, eyebrows shoot up and scowls appear. To their credit, as soon as I explain that he got a promotion and a transfer, the eyebrows go down and the smile reappears, but still. You have to really work to get them to like you. My husband and his boss had to sit down with his entire staff and explain to them that they were just going to have to deal with the fact that he was American because he wasn't going away and there was no amount of complaining they could do that would make him. Because they were PISSED that he was American.
They also seem to think that Americans are stupid. Or maybe they just think that blond, short Americans with 3 small children are stupid. I get told to do more than I can stand. The bus driver the other day told me how to take my stroller off the bus the safe way. Not in the nice let me help you out because you are clearly outnumbered way, either. The you know, you should really do it this way you twit sort of way. Dude, you see this 8 year old? He's mine. I haven't killed him yet. I think I have mastered stroller-pushing skillz.
They are rude. And pushy. And all those things I have tried hard to make sure I am not because I heard those are the things people hate about Americans. Which also make them hypocrites.
And cable TV sucks here, too. If you have Comcast, get on your knees and thank Jesus for it.
And now, of course, I have rambled on too much and lost my train of thought.
Update: Oooh oooh oooh! I remember! Taxes! How could I forget taxes? I don't really have a problem with paying taxes, even if they go to finance wars I disagree with while I'm baking cookies to pay for my kids music teacher. I'll pay them, they'll use them how they want, and that's pretty much that. I also have no problem with taxes on items, like cigarettes. The fact that a pack of smokes cost $11 here, is, well, what you get for smoking that nasty ass shit. But when I go out to the store and pay a GST (general sales tax) on top of a PST (provincial sales tax) on everything, I'm going to grumble a bit. And then, when my husband gets his little monthly bonus check and sixty percent of it is eaten up in taxes, I'm going to be cranky. Is 60% not asking a bit much?
So I'll just say this. America, I never appreciated you. We still have some issues to iron out, but you were alright. And I took you for granted. And I'm sorry.
« That's plenty, thanks!
I encourage all of you to watch the Dallas-based show Cheaters this week. Due to an unfortunate situation, I'm prominently featured in one episode. I'll give you dumb readers some clues:
1) I wear a soiled Dallas Cowboys tank top.
2) I have an enormous pot belly and yeller teeth due to Copehagen.
3) I'm unshaven.
4) I take a swing at the host, Joey Greco, and slam his nose into his brain.
5) I rant and rave that womyn should not work and only be barefoot and make babies. But all of them have fantastic sugar tits.
6) I also rant that atheists are responsible for all the wars in this world. (Are you a f'ing atheist?) However, womyn atheists like Diane, Angie, and molly_g have fantastic sugar tits. Once gay marriage becomes acceptable, I'll ask the same of male atheists. Especially Andy. Sullivan, that is.
7) Womyn suck and I'll get back together with the target of this eposide if she promises to leave Mike Hunt.
8) I'm not black.
Unfortunately, due to privacy concerns, I asked for my face to be pixellated. Those of you that can determine the right episode wins a date with me. Can it get any better than that?
Since Shannon has fallen in love with me this past week, she has decided to leave the stupidity of Canadian culture and meet me for a quickie wedding in Las Vegas this Sunday. The bridesmaids will be Angie, molly_g, Diane, Andy, and DMM. Since I'm an asshole conservative, no one will attend on my behalf except for Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter.
I know Shannon is already married, but given the slippery slope of gay marriage, we don't give a shit about bigamy. How many of you are willing to meet us on the Strip on Sunday to pick up 20 hookers for a pre-wedding orgy?
I know, I know, I've threatened to write about it all week but I just couldn't resist. Therefore, for you close-minded "baby-killers", I'm going to hide the rest of the post in the "Read on" link. However, I promise it's very considerate of your taste preference. I beg of you.
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Gotcha! Because some of you disagreed with some aspects of my Gay Marriage post, I've decided to abort my abortion post and give you my favorite fajita recipe. Get it? Ha ha and all that shit. Now that you're expressing sighs of relief, here you go. Please let me know if you try it.
This is for two pounds of flank steak, skirt steak, or chicken breasts. I love flank because it's leaner so I will base most of the recipe on that.
1/4 cup of soy sauce
1/4 of Worcestershire sauce (pronouned Whoostershire to my deaf ears)
Juice of two medium lemons
Juice of two limes
Optional: Three tablespoons of Dijon Mustard
Optional; Three tablespoons Adams Fajita Seasoning (or whatever you can find)
1/2 cup of extra virgin olive oil
(Both optionals are highly recommended.)
Pour the first six ingredients into a blender and start at low. Then, stream in the EVOO slowly. You can mix altogether at once, but I've found this way it blends more smoothly and doesn't break apart.
Pour the marinade over the flank steak either in a bag or casserole dish (preferably casserole) and marinate for at least three hours on both sides. (Twelve hours is even better.)
Note: If you're using chicken, it's best to marinate at a minimum of twelve hours because it takes longer to absorb the marinade. If using skirt steak, it's best at three hours per side.
Grill the flank steak at medium-high for about three to five minutes per side, depending on how you prefer your meat done. (As an evil conservative, I like it blood raw. ;)) Since flank steak can go from thick to thin, it's a good idea to separate in half and adjust your cooking time accordingly per half. (Obviously, chicken will take longer. Skirt should be grilled at high at most about two minutes a side. You really don't want to overcook skirt steak.) I've found the best way to determine when the meat is done is by pressing your finger into it and feeling the "give and bounceback." That should give you an idea of how cooked the meat is.
Once your meat is done, please, and I mean please, let it rest without cutting for about 15 minutes. This is so important and I promise you'll get a better consistency of flavor. Once the rest period is done, slice your meat against the grain very, very thinly at a sharp angle.
As for condiments, here's what I like:
1) Obviously, tortillas. Forget about the microwave. Brush a skillet with olive oil and toast them about ten seconds each side at medium heat.
3) Your favorite salsa
4) Shredded cheese (or Chili con Queso)
5) Sour cream
6) Sometimes I like to saute red onions and mushrooms with salt and pepper.
Spoon your favorite condiments on the tortilla and meat and enjoy!
How good does that sound? Personally, I think it's better to abort the full life of a cow than a fetus!
« That's plenty, thanks!
Dorkafork, in a last-minute upset! 8 1/2 correct answers gets you one bangin' mixed cd. PatrickP, I will let you choose your 2nd place prize, since you were the first to complete the quiz. You know your options. Get back to me. Diane, you, with 5 correct answers, get some Deeeelicious syrup courtesy of the great white north. Molly, so do you. Cause I love ya.
I had a very, very long post about social reform, welfare, the "a" word and other such fun topics, but it sucked and I went with this instead.
Maybe we can play a caption game now? Oooh, a caption game! Okay, who can come up with the best caption for either of these pictures....
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Prizes are negotiable.
« That's plenty, thanks!
Today is the last day you can play my stupid game that no one really cared about anyway. So far. PatrickP is in the lead, although he may or may not be willing to hand over his address, so Diane, who has never read WWR before this week will be bumped up to 1st place from her 2nd place seating (which is fine because I love her and I want to give her a present). Molly G, though not participating in the contest, gets the syrup because she asked for it and The Retropolitan, who played but only answered 3 question is taking my poor, sad, broken little heart with him and LEAVING. Leaving to go to the jungle or the desert or the moon or something. FINE. Go ahead and go. Go ahead, and go.
Blake asked me to clarify (AGAIN) that when he said "I'm not paralyzed in the right-hand. I just don't much feeling in a few of my fingers", which I took as "slight feeling loss in a few of his fingers", what he really meant was "a significant portion of skin from my wrist was ripped off and I could see the insides while going into shock."
Gnarly, dude. Ouch.
Of course all this has come up because those nasty boys were talking about masturbation in a public forum, but I digress.
Blake, who is my new secret boyfriend and mostest favoritest of all of the conservative, mostly deaf, David Caruso hating, slightly paralyzed in one hand guest blogger, has offered up a truce to me and the staunch defenders of my you-know-whats.
It's great. Molly, you will even approve. He is scared shitless to post it, lest he reap the wrath of my homies, so he has offered to let me do the honors.
It's right here.
Correction: Blake is not even slightly paralyzed. He merely has slight feeling loss in a few of his fingers. Which he already mentioned in the comment section. And is making me mention again. And he mentioned it a few posts down. Along with the fact that he has hearing loss and his mom was a stoner. And a girl at work used to pick on him. Are all conseratives this whiny?
I'm not much of a ranter so Andy may have asked the wrong person to guest-blog here but I want to use this as an attempt to flesh out my thoughts about gay marriage. You'll probably find some things to disagree with and I would certainly appreciate your feedback in the comments.
Ever since this has been raised as an issue on the national level, I've been completely inconsistent in my views. Inititially believing it was a mistake to legalize it but as time went on, I realized that view was only because of the hard-to-admit bigotry born of "distaste." That's not a good enough reason and since I always try to be rational about my positions, I began to explore the arguments from both sides.
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In short, based on civil rights, I simply cannot find a good argument against it. I can't remember where I read it, but someone said only one word should apply to your reasoning in this area and that's "Freedom." For some reason that did it for me. Why? This is a country founded on the very idea of freedom from an oppressive form of rule. That government should be free of religious influence, a rule of law that guarantees every man equal rights, and for man to live life in dignity without fear of undue government intrusion. I now believe banning gay marriage is an undue intrusion into preventing two people from enjoying the fullest benefits of our laws with dignity.
Let's take a look at some of the more popular arguments against gay marriage:
1) It's for the sake of our children! Nonsense, we are becoming a more and more tolerant and diverse society. I don't think children seeing two people of the same sex obviously in love with another is going to change their lifestyle. A nation of 300 million people and growing can deal with the few who want their union to be recognized legally. Heck, it might even help those young gay adults accept themselves without the feelings of shame and depression that sadly can lead to suicide or other destructive behavior.
2) It will lead to a worsening moral decay in our society! Granted, there are a lot of awful things about our culture that makes me cringe. However, once again, like #1, a truly tolerant populace will adjust accordingly.
3) You're trying to change the definition of marriage! Again, nonsense. There have always been varying degrees of marriage since the beginning of the "institution." See the outlawing of inter-racial marriages, forced marriages, child marriages, polygamy, etc. This is also part of the "slippery slope" argument but how difficult would it be to only legalize the union of two legal-age people? Also, frankly, the stupidity of some Republican senators to say allowing it might lead to marrying animals embarrasses me. I do fear the idea of a judge using gay marriage as a precedent in allowing more than two people to marry though.
4) As a religious person, the thought horrifies me! Fine, I'm not religious but I can certainly understand why you oppose it based on your beliefs. However, if you are truly conservative, you must act accordingly. That is, government should be free of religious influence and focus solely on the proper rule of law. Allowing two people of the same sex to get the same benefits under the law surely is not going to change your belief in God, is it?
5) What about states rights? Shouldn't the people themselves determine what they want? As a conservative, this would be ideal and as it is now, all states that have put it to a vote are banning gay marriage. This is where advocates have made their biggest mistake. By going to the courts first and not spending more time to educate people about how Freedom should also apply to them, they've managed to set back their agenda maybe for a generation. Waiting 10-15 years more until our younger, more tolerant people were in power would've been the better strategy. Instead, their "going around the people" and calling every one who opposes it a bigot has sadly backfired.
That about sums it up. I know there are more arguments against it, but for the purposes of not putting you fully to sleep, I picked these five. If you have another one to discuss, feel free to bring it up in the comments and I'll address it as best as I can. People can definitely have what they feel are genuine reasons for opposing gay marriage and that's fine. All I ask is for you to consider it without letting emotions guide your ultimate position. Once you let the initial "distaste" go, I think you might be surprised at your final conclusion.
Now, if I get too many of Andy's readers agreeing with me, I will next express my hateful views about the "woman's right-to-choose." :)
« That's plenty, thanks!
Aforementioned unintentionally artsy picture, courtesy of the murderous heat and humidity fogging my lens over:
I am a bleeding heart liberal. A moonbat, if you will. I believe in some form of goverment-issued healthcare for all. Kind of. All that's sort of changing since I moved to Canada, but that's a story for another day. Back to my beliefs. I believe
strongly viciously with passion the heat of which burns like a thousand suns in a woman's right to choose. Again, there are conditions to my support of this, but again, I am getting off track here. I am no big fan of that weasly little Texan who reminds me of Eric Gordon in Billy Madison that you idiots elected to run your country *snicker*, again, and I think pot should be legal.
Legal legal legal.
Tax it. Tax the hell out of it and dig yourselves out of that debt you're under. But let the little man smoke his joint. Yes, pot make you an absolute idiot. You are dumb, boring, unsexy and you smell bad when you smoke it. I, personally, hate the stuff. I hate it a lot. I hate it when my friends smoke it, because they annoy the ever-living hell out of me. They are stupid and silly. But I ain't nevah hearda no one beating the crap out of his wife and kids because he was stoned. Never heard about the guy who shot some guy because he thought his wife was banging him because he was high. Because people are nice when they're smoking pot. Nice or sleepy.
Drunk people, on the other hand, for the most part suck ass. Get her drunk enough and the nicest old woman will throw crosses at you and say vile, horrid things about what body parts you can kiss while doing unholy things to our lord and savior. Wives get beat, kids get neglected, nasty shit happens because of booze. And that crap is still legal.
Cigarettes are still legal and don't even get me started on that one. Cancer is one ugly sonofabitch.
So stop being hypocritical and legalize pot, too.
Or so I would have said until 5 weeks ago.
5 weeks ago, I moved to Canada. Guess what? Pot's legal here. Legal legal legal! Yippee! Doesn't do me a damn bit o'good, being all clean-and-sober, but it's nice to know the
cops RCMP are up to better things than trying to bust people for growing some weed. You want to smoke a joint? Go right ahead. Be our guest. You can sit right here next to me and my...kids...in the ...park... What? You can sit right here next to my kids in this park and smoke that shit?
Yes. You. Can.
We were walking down the street the other week by the mall and as we turned a corner, we walked through a pretty good cloud of pot smoke. B (my 8 year old) paused for a second, turned to me and said, "Mom, what's that smell? I think it's a familiar smell to me." (Yes, he really talks like that. He's a nerd, like his momma.) "Oh, B, it's nothing. Just keep walking", I cooly replied. "But mom, I kind of like that smell."
You know what? Pot should not be legal, at least not in public places. I don't much like my little tykes walking through a cloud of cigarette smoke, either, but come on. I would like to hold off on the mind-altering drugs until we're at least 10. If at all possible.
I don't know what my point here is, exactly. Maybe that we just don't always look at the big picture when we're feeling oppressed, on infringed on. I still think wire-tapping is a big pile of horse-crap and if I ever have my baby stroller torn apart at an airport again becasue they sensed "explosives" on it, I may be on the evening news, but I think I'm starting to see the wisdom in this one.
With certain conditions, of course. My love will always be the conditional kind. But there it is; My Rant. I thought it was just about time for one.
You may find the title a little strange given that I regard my best day as one in which I got fired from my job. I was 25 years old and after working hard at a pretty crappy job for two years (great experience though), I had just landed a position with a dream company nine months earlier. My job title was Corporate Auditor and I was the only male in the office. (Don't worry, it's not an anti-woman screed!)
For seven months, everything was going along smoothly, and I'd just gotten a good perfomance evaluation from my boss. Unfortunately, the director of our department left and my boss was required to temporarily take over her duties. She then assigned my on-going training to the least liked person on staff. (We'll call her Hillary.) In short, Hillary was a nasty, vindictive feminist who believed men were the scourge of the world. (I've always done everything possible to avoid politics in the workplace so I thought we would get through the rest of my training just fine.) However, she then proceeded to take it out on me with mean, cutting remarks that inevitably began to slow down my training.
I did my best to not respond to her and focus on the job. One week, I was sent to Austin for some field work and it was my first time doing it alone. To my dismay, Hillary calls me and says she's going to fly in on Thursday to review my work and coordinate the exit interview (audit term) with me. She still said some unpleasant things but we got through the interview and I began to type up the report with her looking over my shoulder.
As I was banging out the standard bullet point list that we used to start our audit reports, Hillary suddenly gets upset and exclaims, "Blake! You're using the wrong bullet points! We use asterisks, not dashes! Damnit, you haven't learned a thing!" And slaps her hand hard on the table.
That was it for me. I responded, "Hillary, I am so tired of taking your shit." The next business day, I was fired. The reason it's my best day is because three months later, I found an incredible job with a much higher salary. And it wasn't even in auditing!
Political stuff tomorrow!
I'm watching Kiss Kiss Bang Bang with a vanilla scented candle and imagining a married woman named Shannon next to me. However, the saggy tits keep slapping my face, thus preventing me from enjoying the movie.
Seriously though, I'm quite liking it so far. It doesn't have David Caruso.
But first....There is a CONTEST down there, people! One with actual prizes. Prizes that will be mailed to you in pretty little packages with ribbons and superhero stamps and stuff. Play the game, damnit! I worked REALLY hard on it!
Well, wasn't yesterday fun? Boobies, milk, oral sex, what next?
You all should know by now that I write a mommy blog. I feel no shame for this. Some may say that the mommy blog is the bastard red-headed step child of the blog family, but I disagree. We mommy bloggers have a lot to say. We are smart, we are funny. And best of all, we are creative.
When I asked Andy why the hell he would ask me to blog at his site, he said it was because he thought I could bring something "different" to the table. Different, as in boobies? Maybe. But I think that this was just Andy's way of asking me to help him out with the blog. You know, to put a woman's touch on the place. That special touch that only a mommy blogger can.
Sir, I accept your invitation.
So, what I was thinking is this:
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First of all, all this blue has got to go. It's not inviting at all. What does it say? Serious, that's what. And serious = boring. What he needs is some backround pattern. Like a nice pink, with stars. Yeah, that's it. Hot pink with purple stars!
He needs a charcter on this page. Where's the visual interest? That weird monkey up there? Creepy does not get you readers. Pooh Bear does. Classic Pooh doubly so.
Maybe each little pooh character could head a different section of the blog. Like Tigger for the blogroll, with Roo half way down it. You know, like in that story where they get stuck up in the tree and the have to bounce down. Ohhh, that would be sooo cute!!!
Andy likes to have advertisements blinking up in the top corner of his blog. That is SO yesterday. What people want is a personal statement, not some cookie-generated advertisement for penis-enlargement or stem-cell research. He needs some Blinkies. Nothing brightens up your blog like a Blinkie.
(Made that last one myself. Sweet, eh?)
His font. It's all wrong. What is this, like Ariel or something? He needs a better font. I really like that Curlz one. It's pretty and inviting, without being all trampy.
So, what do you think? Wouldn't it just look so much better this way? Andy, no need to thank me. I am happy to help. There are just some things that I as a mommy blogger can do that you just, well, can't.
Top THAT, Blake.
« That's plenty, thanks!
In an attempt to show some respect for the years of blood, sweat and, um, beers that Andy has put into his blog, I have tried very hard to restrain myself to only one bad posting per day in his absence. But there's something I've got to know. Andy, what were you thinking, sticking me with this guy all week? Have you seen the effect I have on him?
In my introduction, I mentioned that I was a conservative. While Andy's blogging doesn't concentrate very much on politics, I happen to enjoy political discussions and my blog-reading focuses mainly on the same (both right and left.) Since you probably have no idea who I am, I want to dedicate this post to your questions. Feel free to ask me anything, whether on global/domestic politics or hell, ask me how I feel about "milky tits." Actually, forget about focusing on just politics, ask me anything and I'll pick from the worthy to create a post or two to express my views. That's how super-important I'm around here now. You might be surprised to find this conservative relatively open-minded (gasp!)
I only ask for one thing, please do not ask me how I feel about David Caruso's acting. If you do, I will have no choice but to ban you and devote 50 posts to him in order to release myself from temporary insanity.
Just popping in to say hello, check e-mail, make sure the blog isn't in the crapper, etc.
Here's a picture of our beach house.
I had a pretty great photo of Fiona, a magical capturing of one of her rare smiles for the camera, only to find out that - having just stepped out of the A/C of the house and onto the beach - the lens was fogged over. I'll just say I was being "artsy."
OK, back to vacation...
I would like to welcome you all to the first edition of
~~~~~~~~~~~~Who's the Greateset WWR reader~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is the game where we pit you, cage style, against each other (preferably you girls will bring bikinis, we'll bring the chocolate sauce) in a battle to the pain to see who knows the most about Andy. There are precious few rules. SImply answer as many of the multiple choice questions as you can in the comments section and the first reader to get them all correct will win a prize. A SWEET prize. First place will receive their very own copy of a mixed CD spun by your guest dj, MC Shaz. Second and third place can fight it out for RCMP schwag or the best damn maple syrup the north has to offer. Maybe I'll even throw in a copy of Strange Brew. You never know. Feel free to offer bribes for answers and/or clues, feel free to spike the drink of your fellow contestants in an attempt to slow their wits and steal their answers. Really, there is nothing so low it can't be sunk to.
It helps to have read a little of Andy's blog. If you are just joining us here at da'rant, simply scroll down just a little bit over there
and you can peruse the montly archives for help. This is an open book test.
Good luck. For those about to rock, we salute you.
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Question #1: Andy has how many children?
c) thousands and thousands born for him from by his hundreds of adoring mistresses in exotic beach locals worldwide.
Question #2: What is Andy's favorite animal?
a) the lemming. Any animal whose life cycle includes only eating, sleeping, humping and cliff-diving is alright by him.
b) the dog. Man's best friend. Will fetch his paper on command. Will do almost all of his evil bidding.
c) the monkey. His poo-flinging cousin. Poo flinging is fun.
Question #3: Which one of these jobs has Andy NOT held?
a) waiter. Contractually obligated to "be nice" = paid to spit in people's food.
b) gas station attendant. But he only did it for the fumes.
c) grocery bagger. Which bag should the tampons go in?
Question #4: Name one of Andy's musical ventures.
a) Dodgy Lesbian Girl
b) Rock Star Scare!
c) Three Minutes on High
Question #5: And now name a song covered by this band and aired right here on his blog.
a) The Bleach Boys
b) Oh Sherrie
c) Sweet Caroline
Question #6: How did Andy meet the lovely Mrs. WWR, mother of the beautiful world-wide runts?
a) He was waiting on her at a restaurant and when she left, she paid by check. He called the number on the check, at great risk to his job, and asked her on a date. She, shocked by his forwardness, accepted. The rest, my friends, is history.
b) While overseas on vacation, Andy was walking past a guitar shop and stopped to admire a Les Paul Fretless Wonder in the window of the store. A beautiful woman stood next to him, admiring the same one. He couldn't help himself, he introduced himself and asked her to coffee. The rest, my friends, is history.
c) Andy used to stay up all night chatting online with hot babes. As fate would have it, one of the babes turned out to have a brain, and a sense of humor, and he grew fond of her. And she of him. Online penpals turned into a little something more. And the rest, my friends, is history.
Question #7: Which odd little quirk does Andy have?
a) Andy has a lightbulb thing. He really likes lightbulbs. Every time he goes to Target, he inevitably finds himself in the lightbulb aisle. He has one cabinet in his home that is full of lightbulds: florescents, 60 watts, nightlight size, colored, those ones that last for like 50 years. The boy, he likes him some lightbulbs.
b) You know how you can grab your big toe, give it a good tug and it will pop? Well, Andy likes that. Except that if he pops one big toe, has has to pop the opposing big toe, too. For "balance".
c) Andy has a little trouble merging into traffic. Now, he's not one of those jack-ass people who tries to merge into 80-mile-an-hour traffic from a dead stop, but he has this thing. He can't merge to the left if there is anything at all in his line of vision. Including the window in the car. He has to remove his sunglasses and roll down the window to merge onto the highway from an onramp. He has no earthly idea why.
Question #8: What does Andy try to ingest in every American city he visits?
a) A big, fat, greasy bacon cheeseburger. Is there anything better than pig on top of cow, with a little mayo?
b) A local micro beer. The best beer is always the little, unheard of micro.
c) A slice of pizza. What's your name? Andy. What's your quest? To seek the best slice of pizza in America.
Question #9: Which two John Denver songs are about places Andy has NOT lived?
a) He was born in the bitterroot valley in the early morning rain, wild geese over the water headin north and home again. Bringin a warm wind from the south, bringin the first taste of the spring, his mother took him to her breast and softly she did sing: Oh Montana, give this child a home. Give him the love of a good family and a woman of his own. Give him a fire in his heart, give him a light in his eyes, give him the wild wind for a brother and the wild Montana skies.
b) We sleep near the sound of a slow running river and wake up most mornings to a drizzling rain and we face every day like the first or the last one with nothin to lose and heaven to gain. Here's to Alaska, here's to the people, here's to the wild and here's to the free. Heres to my life in a chosen country. Here's to Alaska and me.
c) Almost heaven, West Virginia. Blue ridge mountains, Shenandoah river - Life is old there, older than the trees. Younger than the mountains growin like a breeze. Country roads, take me home to the place I belong. West Virginia, mountain momma, take me home, country roads.
Question #10: How many speeding tickets has Andy been issued?
a) 3. He got them all on the same trip from Denver to New Mexico. He got one on the way down 1-25 from Denver, and then on the way home a few days later he got one 10 miles from the Colorado border, on the Raton Pass, and then got another one not 10 minutes later right on the other side of the border.
b) 10. He commutes every day more than a few miles through the construction hell that is T-Rex. The cops just sit there in the morning, waiting to nail people for speeding, and, well, Andy does have that new car that goes kinda fast sometimes.
c) 0. Andy is actually quite a good, considerate driver and will not exceed the speed limit. Ever. Is that considerate or just old-manish? Depends greatly, I suppose, on which lane you are stuck behind him in.
Question #11: Which beers are Andy's favorities?
a) Fat Tire and Boulder Beer-Hazed & Infused. Coloradans know how to make them some good ass beer. Except for those Coors people. Seriously, have they TASTED that stuff lately?
b) Guinness and Murphy's. Oh, the mother country. The one true home of beer. Beer that is good for you. Beer you can have for breakfast or drink if you run out of your prenatal vitamins.
c) Whitbread Pale Ale and Traquair House Ale. Just because they're good. Really good, actually. Maybe you should buy him one at the next RMBB.
Question #12: Which weird ass neurosis does Andy suffer from?
a) Andy can't stand the sound of a zipper. You can run your nails down all the blackboards you want, just don't zip your coat while he's in earshot. It makes his teeth hurt.
b) He hates cuticles. HATES them They gross him out. He gets regular manicures just to have his cuticles trimmed down. If he goes overdue, he will cut them off with nailclippers or a razorblade. He hates hates hates them.
c) He cannot jump into a pool from a diving board. He will happily jump in from the side of the pool (of course he will, there are half-naked girls in there) but not from the board. He tried it once, and swallowed half the pool in the process.
Question #14*: Andy favorite movie?
a) Joe Vs. the Volcano. Tom Hanks at his finest. Two glorious hours of the driest humor you'll hear outside a Wes Anderson movie.
b) Say Anything. That scene where John Cusack holds up the stereo is just sooo romantic. He wishes he'd thougt of that one.
c) Dumb and Dumber. Isn't this every guys favorite movie? So he's got that going for him, which is nice.
Drop those pencils, close your booklets and put your tests right up here in the basket. Your results will be tallied soon!
*Just like an elevator, we have bad music and no 13th floor.
« That's plenty, thanks!