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August 18, 2006

From the WWR Dramatic Headlines Bureau

Breast implants linked to suicide, but not cancer

A large Canadian study adds to evidence that women with breast implants do not face a higher risk of cancer or other major diseases, but they may have a higher-than-average rate of suicide.

The headline, reflecting the need for journalism schools to teach a bit more science and statistics, would seem to imply that, if you pump your chest full of silicone, it might make you decide to pump your skull full of buckshot.

A moment's thought, however, would suggest that boob jobs and suicide might have something in common: a sense of lacking in the personal worth department. The article does get around to making that point, somewhere toward the end, long after most of America has clicked away in boredom, because - really - the word "breast" isn't nearly as amusing as "hooters," "chesticles," or "funbags."

So, go on, get your mammaries maximized. Be the hostess with the milky mostess. Just don't kill yourself over it.

While big ol' boobdom is nifty on the living, it leaves something to be desired in the dead. As in the immortal lyrics of David Wilcox:

Well the surgeons try to tell you
That the world will love you better
If you let 'em cut your body
And put those mounds inside your sweater
But just think of the investment
Now how long those things will last
You know, silicone is permanent
Even after you have passed
When the rest of you has faded
In some box under some stone
Yeah you'll still have your silly cones
Balanced on your bones

Silicone suicide - don't do it!*

Well, the suicide part anyway.

* This line is a rip-off from what 1980s movie?