I would like to welcome you all to the first edition of
~~~~~~~~~~~~Who's the Greateset WWR reader~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is the game where we pit you, cage style, against each other (preferably you girls will bring bikinis, we'll bring the chocolate sauce) in a battle to the pain to see who knows the most about Andy. There are precious few rules. SImply answer as many of the multiple choice questions as you can in the comments section and the first reader to get them all correct will win a prize. A SWEET prize. First place will receive their very own copy of a mixed CD spun by your guest dj, MC Shaz. Second and third place can fight it out for RCMP schwag or the best damn maple syrup the north has to offer. Maybe I'll even throw in a copy of Strange Brew. You never know. Feel free to offer bribes for answers and/or clues, feel free to spike the drink of your fellow contestants in an attempt to slow their wits and steal their answers. Really, there is nothing so low it can't be sunk to.
It helps to have read a little of Andy's blog. If you are just joining us here at da'rant, simply scroll down just a little bit over there
and you can peruse the montly archives for help. This is an open book test.
Good luck. For those about to rock, we salute you.
Question #1: Andy has how many children?
c) thousands and thousands born for him from by his hundreds of adoring mistresses in exotic beach locals worldwide.
Question #2: What is Andy's favorite animal?
a) the lemming. Any animal whose life cycle includes only eating, sleeping, humping and cliff-diving is alright by him.
b) the dog. Man's best friend. Will fetch his paper on command. Will do almost all of his evil bidding.
c) the monkey. His poo-flinging cousin. Poo flinging is fun.
Question #3: Which one of these jobs has Andy NOT held?
a) waiter. Contractually obligated to "be nice" = paid to spit in people's food.
b) gas station attendant. But he only did it for the fumes.
c) grocery bagger. Which bag should the tampons go in?
Question #4: Name one of Andy's musical ventures.
a) Dodgy Lesbian Girl
b) Rock Star Scare!
c) Three Minutes on High
Question #5: And now name a song covered by this band and aired right here on his blog.
a) The Bleach Boys
b) Oh Sherrie
c) Sweet Caroline
Question #6: How did Andy meet the lovely Mrs. WWR, mother of the beautiful world-wide runts?
a) He was waiting on her at a restaurant and when she left, she paid by check. He called the number on the check, at great risk to his job, and asked her on a date. She, shocked by his forwardness, accepted. The rest, my friends, is history.
b) While overseas on vacation, Andy was walking past a guitar shop and stopped to admire a Les Paul Fretless Wonder in the window of the store. A beautiful woman stood next to him, admiring the same one. He couldn't help himself, he introduced himself and asked her to coffee. The rest, my friends, is history.
c) Andy used to stay up all night chatting online with hot babes. As fate would have it, one of the babes turned out to have a brain, and a sense of humor, and he grew fond of her. And she of him. Online penpals turned into a little something more. And the rest, my friends, is history.
Question #7: Which odd little quirk does Andy have?
a) Andy has a lightbulb thing. He really likes lightbulbs. Every time he goes to Target, he inevitably finds himself in the lightbulb aisle. He has one cabinet in his home that is full of lightbulds: florescents, 60 watts, nightlight size, colored, those ones that last for like 50 years. The boy, he likes him some lightbulbs.
b) You know how you can grab your big toe, give it a good tug and it will pop? Well, Andy likes that. Except that if he pops one big toe, has has to pop the opposing big toe, too. For "balance".
c) Andy has a little trouble merging into traffic. Now, he's not one of those jack-ass people who tries to merge into 80-mile-an-hour traffic from a dead stop, but he has this thing. He can't merge to the left if there is anything at all in his line of vision. Including the window in the car. He has to remove his sunglasses and roll down the window to merge onto the highway from an onramp. He has no earthly idea why.
Question #8: What does Andy try to ingest in every American city he visits?
a) A big, fat, greasy bacon cheeseburger. Is there anything better than pig on top of cow, with a little mayo?
b) A local micro beer. The best beer is always the little, unheard of micro.
c) A slice of pizza. What's your name? Andy. What's your quest? To seek the best slice of pizza in America.
Question #9: Which two John Denver songs are about places Andy has NOT lived?
a) He was born in the bitterroot valley in the early morning rain, wild geese over the water headin north and home again. Bringin a warm wind from the south, bringin the first taste of the spring, his mother took him to her breast and softly she did sing: Oh Montana, give this child a home. Give him the love of a good family and a woman of his own. Give him a fire in his heart, give him a light in his eyes, give him the wild wind for a brother and the wild Montana skies.
b) We sleep near the sound of a slow running river and wake up most mornings to a drizzling rain and we face every day like the first or the last one with nothin to lose and heaven to gain. Here's to Alaska, here's to the people, here's to the wild and here's to the free. Heres to my life in a chosen country. Here's to Alaska and me.
c) Almost heaven, West Virginia. Blue ridge mountains, Shenandoah river - Life is old there, older than the trees. Younger than the mountains growin like a breeze. Country roads, take me home to the place I belong. West Virginia, mountain momma, take me home, country roads.
Question #10: How many speeding tickets has Andy been issued?
a) 3. He got them all on the same trip from Denver to New Mexico. He got one on the way down 1-25 from Denver, and then on the way home a few days later he got one 10 miles from the Colorado border, on the Raton Pass, and then got another one not 10 minutes later right on the other side of the border.
b) 10. He commutes every day more than a few miles through the construction hell that is T-Rex. The cops just sit there in the morning, waiting to nail people for speeding, and, well, Andy does have that new car that goes kinda fast sometimes.
c) 0. Andy is actually quite a good, considerate driver and will not exceed the speed limit. Ever. Is that considerate or just old-manish? Depends greatly, I suppose, on which lane you are stuck behind him in.
Question #11: Which beers are Andy's favorities?
a) Fat Tire and Boulder Beer-Hazed & Infused. Coloradans know how to make them some good ass beer. Except for those Coors people. Seriously, have they TASTED that stuff lately?
b) Guinness and Murphy's. Oh, the mother country. The one true home of beer. Beer that is good for you. Beer you can have for breakfast or drink if you run out of your prenatal vitamins.
c) Whitbread Pale Ale and Traquair House Ale. Just because they're good. Really good, actually. Maybe you should buy him one at the next RMBB.
Question #12: Which weird ass neurosis does Andy suffer from?
a) Andy can't stand the sound of a zipper. You can run your nails down all the blackboards you want, just don't zip your coat while he's in earshot. It makes his teeth hurt.
b) He hates cuticles. HATES them They gross him out. He gets regular manicures just to have his cuticles trimmed down. If he goes overdue, he will cut them off with nailclippers or a razorblade. He hates hates hates them.
c) He cannot jump into a pool from a diving board. He will happily jump in from the side of the pool (of course he will, there are half-naked girls in there) but not from the board. He tried it once, and swallowed half the pool in the process.
Question #14*: Andy favorite movie?
a) Joe Vs. the Volcano. Tom Hanks at his finest. Two glorious hours of the driest humor you'll hear outside a Wes Anderson movie.
b) Say Anything. That scene where John Cusack holds up the stereo is just sooo romantic. He wishes he'd thougt of that one.
c) Dumb and Dumber. Isn't this every guys favorite movie? So he's got that going for him, which is nice.
Drop those pencils, close your booklets and put your tests right up here in the basket. Your results will be tallied soon!
*Just like an elevator, we have bad music and no 13th floor.