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July 24, 2006

This Much I Know Is True

During the nearly thirty-five years I've spent here on Planet Earth, in between seeing a million faces and rocking them all, I've learned a thing or two, those little gems we call "life lessons"...those nuggety bite-sized chunks of wisdom that we will someday bore our grandkids with while wetting ourselves, probably in a public place.

So, before it comes to that, and before aged incontinence becomes a visual and olfactory distraction, I figure I'd share a few of these tips with you, right here on the blog:

• You don't tug on Superman's cape.

• You don't spit into the wind.

• You don't pull the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger, and...

• You don't dare mock Lee Greenwood, American Hero, conservative troubadour, and purveyor of audible cheese!

From the comments responding to my initial post:

"How do I join? And do I have to strip myself of any vestiges of personality and originality first?"

It seems evident that was done for you at birth, but you go right along thinking that you are special - maybe they'll clone your sorry ass.

Let's put aside that special level of incongruency of thought that somehow cloning me would (a) make me more special and (b) would add personality and originality simply by copying my (admittedly delightful!) genetic goodness.

Did you put it aside?

If you're having difficulty, just imagine that you're a wingnut and it's some pesky part of the Constitution that, oh, says gay folks are equal. Or, maybe you're a moonbat: in that case, pretend it's some wee, secondary part of the Constitution that you're convinced was really about the joys of taxidermal relations with bears.

Now, that out of the way, let's get to the crux of the matter:

The blogger in question was upset that I didn't want to join Michelle Malkin's rabidly conservative group that thinks Lee Greenwood and John Ashcroft are the the next generation of Dylanic wordsmiths, sonic torchbearers for the New American Century.

I'm not sure if this is supposed to upset me. Is it? I mean, it... sounds... you know, like a good thing of which not to be a part.

Groucho Marx once said that he didn't want to belong to any club that would have him as a member... I'll go one step further and say that if you join a club that really grooves on Greenwood's a-blessin' and Ashcroft's eagle a-soarin', you should immediately engage in self-sterilization.

Maybe some music appreciation lessons while you convalesce.

But, at the very least, definitely self-sterilization (perhaps see: hammer, ball peen, below).

Amen.

A note to new readers, or long-term readers who to this day wonder about me: I've got nothing personal against Michelle Malkin. I mean, it's not like I was some Japanese-American interned in World War II or anything. In fact, sometimes she's actually quite amusing (the Moonbat Fast video being one example).

However, Lee Greenwood is to music what Casper Van Dien is to acting. Ashcroft, by way of unfortunate comparison, is to music what a ball peen hammer is to exposed testicles.