Well, that's a bunch of poo, making us in the Mountain and Pacific time zones miss the live broadcast, meaning millions of people out there already know the winner, and here I sit, dying to know!
OK, perhaps not dying; more of an idle (idol?) curiosity. More interested, of course, in seeing what Katharine wears.
So here we go... cheesy opening song, welcoming back Carrie Underwood, and I shall refrain from making any "under my wood" jokes, because I am classy classy classy. There's Taylor... and there are Katharine and her girls.
Alright, and now it looks we're going to suffer through nigh on an hour of "special guests" until they let us know the outcome. Paris is back on stage. Still like her voice, but she's not much when it comes to laying down the scat. However, I'm sure that little segment makes David J all kinds of happy.
Chris Daughtry co-singing with Live? Well, good for him, although I think this puts Live about 12 seconds from being permanently assigned to the Has-Been Tour Circuit. The coordinated movements between Chris and lead singer dude are, if you'll pardon the expression, pretty darn gay.
Kellie Pickler - ahhhh, pretty is as pretty does. Same goes for kinda dumb.
Meatloaf is on stage, and so is his strange twitching motion. Can't really say much, though, because Kat's dress is giving me a strange twitch too. I suppose I've lost all my female readers by this point, huh?
Whoops, sorry, dozed off there for a spell, although Pickler's lobster terror woke me from my slumber.
"Taking Care of Business" sung by the guys... they all seem to fit up there, except for Chicken Little. He's like the little brother that someone's mom is forcing the others to let in the band. Aw mom, do we have to? Aw, mom. Dude.
Taylor gets to break out his harmonica; I'm shocked. They let some originality into the show. This is truly The End Times.
Commercial break... hmm, Taylor and Katharine at the drive-in. This must be where they make their super babies from their super Idol genes, right there in the backseat of that Ford. Touching.
Elliot singing U2 with Mary J. Blige. Has anyone else pointed out that Elliot looks like Mr. Tumnus? And has anyone pointed out that Mary J. Blige just totally crapped on the vibe of this song?
Ooh, Christina Applegate in her Hanes. Hello. Anyone remember that episode of "Married with Children" where Kellie is using her assets to distract another bowler by bending over the ball return? Maybe it's just me.
Just checked the on-screen guide and it turns out this show has another half hour to go. Good lord. Guess I'll go put the wee Fiona to sleep while Underwood sings her country-fresh cheese about Jeebus and driving lessons.
...and I'm back. Looks like I just missed Taylor singing. Oh well. 23 minutes to go.
Note: "Fpoon" is not a very pretty word.
And the women take the stage... I really hate these group singing things. Although the scenery's nice - good to see the Pickle and that other hot one that momentarily entered my mud-wrestling fantasies before being kicked to the curb by the voters.
Clay Aiken's fanboy numero uno soils himself upon meeting his idol. Aiken's kind of the Rick Astley of this century, isn't he? All dandy and foppish. The old ladies eat that right up.
Hey, it's Dionne Warwick. This would explain the Google searches for "Dionne Warwick's age" that started coming in to the blog about an hour ago (seeing as how I'm tape delayed). Well, I'm always happy to help my web-searching friends, so - goodly visitors - Dionne Warwick is 942 years old.
American Idol? Feh, how's about Kiwi Idol?
Huh, they got Prince. I'm impressed. I remember the local radio folks talking about the rumor and saying it couldn't possible be true because Prince doesn't need the exposure, Prince wouldn't sell himself out like that, Price is above such things! Win some; lose some. I happen to like The Artist Formerly Known as Having Integrity, and could listen to the "Purple Rain" soundtrack over and over happily (and also watch that scene in the movie where he gropes on a semi-clad Apollonia over and over).
Prince sings "this is gonna be a long night." Apparently he skipped the first 90% of the show.
Dear Ford: it's not a "bold move" to do an entire commercial in which your vehicles are almost absent. Further, if your Ford Fusion angle is going to be "life in Drive," attempting to allure young professionals with new kids in to thinking they still are moderately interesting to others, don't show some 16-year old twit getting his license and a Fusion to boot.
Back to the show... Kat and Taylor singing that Dirty Dancing song that we were all tired of more than a decade ago. Wow, could they have given Katharine a less movement-friendly dress? That said, I think those two have a little sumfin'-sumfin' going on and it's all about to come to a crashing end (if it even survived Kat's Scientology admissions).
And the idol is...
Well, we kind of knew that, didn't we?
What we didn't know is that David Hasselhoff would be crying in the audience. I hear his crying is big in Belgium.
AND OH LORD NO MY GOD MAKE IT STOP DON'T MAKE HIM SING THIS GODAWFUL BALLAD THAT SOME LOWEST-COMMON-DENOMINATOR HACK WROTE FOR HIM - make it stop, make it stop! I'm bleeding out of every orifice.
(But, you know, as bad as this song as is, he can still entertain the crowd, and he's the only contestant I remember ever leaving the script to interject his own touches... such a shame they'll suck all of this charm and passion right out of him in the years ahead).