May 23, 2006

American Idol Live Recap: The Final Two

You know, it's not like I watch the show or whatever, but anyway...

Katharine McPhee is up... apparently doing a song she's already done... is that required? Could we not have a rule that they have to wear a previous outfit and get that yellow dress back out of the closet?

OK, so she's doing that KT Tunstall song... it's ok. I think the biggest drawback is that she has a backing band that's as into the song as Tom Arnold was into Roseanne's privates.

Taylor's up... a little Stevie Wonder "Living for the City." Nice jacket (seems like everyone is dressing up, what with Simon and his sportcoat). Yeah, Taylor's definitely the better entertainer, but Kat's the Queen of Boobiedom.

C'mon, folks - sit down and let's have a chat right here round the blog-hearth - none of us are going to buy an album by either of these folks (at least not a personality-scrubbed album courtesy of Cowell and company). So, that said, who would you rather see more of? Taylor or - uh - Kat's boobs? Yeah, thought so.

Back to the Kat with "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." My boy Ewan likes it: he's lying on the floor in front of the television gurgling and gooing and such. Of course, he's a breastfeeder, so it could be the uh... well... you know. Funny aside - no matter how you turn the boy on his playmat, he'll soon be turned so he can see the television properly.

Paula says that every father of a daughter is crying after Katharine's performance... proving, yet again, that Paula is probably a crack addict.

Elton John's "Levon." Not really my thing... and, yeah, Paula is definitely hitting the bottle or the weed or the pipe between songs.

OK, um, Katharine hasn't won anything yet but she's singing her first single? Alrighty then. Dress does a nice bit of push-up there. Song's sort of putting me to sleep though. Typical songwriter fluff with all the lyrical depth of a children's song. Apparently "my destiny" is to take a nap.

I fear for what they're going to make Taylor sing. I'm cringing in anticipation.

"Do I Make You Proud?" Oh lordy... now, I'm worried...

Oh man, oh man, oh man... they have taken the American Idol vacuum and sucked the life right out of Taylor Hicks.

Mrs. WWRant says "both of these songs are dreadful; someone should be taken out and shot."

There's a reason pop songs are forgetful: animals seek pleasure and avoid pain, and pop songs tend to make your ears want to crawl inside your skull and die.

But, all of that said, I'm thinking Taylor is the next American Idol.

Katharine's bosoms, however, shall live long within the shallow confines of the naughty spaces in my heart. Amen.

Note: As of 8:15pm, DialIdol says it's Taylor too.