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February 02, 2005

State of the Union

Steve and I are at the Denver Press Club, reporting live (sort of, but not really) on the State of the Union address. I'll be posting my thoughts, updates, and just-plain-made-up-shit in this post; Steve will have more stuff and loads more readers, but I just want you to know how much I love each and every one of you. Now give me a hug, baby baby please.

Errr...anyway, moving along, let's get this thing started:

Update: Here he comes, Mr. America....

7:03: John Ashcroft...making sure no naked boobies are on display. Good on ya, John.

7:04 : We're watching CNN if you're curious. Yes, I know, we're the only two people doing so.

7:05: Michele, no, I'm not kissing Steve.

7:06: OK, lots of people with their fingers dyed in ink; forgive me, but as happy as I am about the Iraqi elections, it seems a rather hollow tribute in a land where the right to vote is so clearly taken for granted. Maybe it'll make Americans think beyond what's on the next episode of Desperate Housewives.

7:10: Nice mentions of the spread of democratic reforms (if not ideals) to Afghanistan, the PA, the Ukraine, and Iraq. Loads of applause. I'd clap if I weren't typing, for - YOU - good people.

7:11: Advances in medicine? How about a little stem cell, please.

7:12: What will be the state of their union? Well, if they are gay, apparently non-existent. Sorry, sorry.

7:13: Hillary gave a golf clap. Woo.

7:14: I'm sorry, did Bush just say something about controlling spending? I'm sorry - what?

7:15: Steve has gone to pee.

7:17: Stickin' it to the trial lawyers. John Edwards is a-wishin' he were VP right now. None of that nasty anti-lawsuit talk.

7:18: Steve has returned. His pee was, in his words, "satisfactory." OK, I made that up.

7:19: Correction - MUST CREDIT WORLD WIDE RANT - he says it was "very good." I did not make that up.

7:20: Stuff about dependence upon alcohol or whatever. Mmmm, beer. I love me some beer.

7:21: Amnesty program...hmmmm. Errr.... I like the idea of "open" borders, but I don't like the idea of amnesty proggies that say "please run here as fast as you can."

7:23: Social Security was a great moral success? Errr.... taking money now to pay out now, banking on future investments to keep it afloat? Doesn't that sound like a recipe for a big ol' financial fuck up?

7:23: He said "snocial."

7:23: A drunk next to me told me about the "snocial" thing.

7:24: How to save Social Security? ENCOURAGE SMOKING AND DRINKING AND DRUG ABUSE AND WHORING!

7:24: In 2018, Social Security will be paying out more than it takes in - remarkably, just like the U.S Government of 2004.

7:25: Uh, no, dude, if you have a 21 month old, you're already worrying about college expenses, and those fucking ice sculptures your daughter is going to demand for her wedding. Ice sculptures! CAN YOU IMAGINE??

7:27: I have oodles of good ideas, Dubya. Surrender power immediately and turn over the power of the American government to my benevolent leadership.

7:29: Why are personal accounts a better deal? Oh, because it's my money? Just a thought. P.S. Go visit Steve Wheeler as he is live-blogging too.

7:30: The government can never take away your retirement money until the Democrats say it can.

7:31: Steve Wheeler has pictures of naked ladies on his site.

7:31: OK, fine, I made that up too.

7:32: Marriage should not be redefined - let's bring back polygamy and oppressive patriarchal societal constructs! YES! You know what - if two men getting married really hurts your marriage, then (a) your marriage is a weak piece of shit and (b) you probably shouldn't be married.

7:33: If you are now single, based on the above, and a hot chick, please contact me as I am currently trying to talk the wife into the whole "no, no, really, polygamy is COOL" thing.

7:34: Dude, I bet Steve has got like 1000 comments already and I ... don't. No one loves me. Someone hold me.

7:36: Three words, people "NUKE-YOU-LAR."

7:37: Ok, I'm just being a goon. I'll be serious now.

7:38: More DNA testing for people on trial? Holy shit, Ann Coulter just lost a topic for her inane columns.

7:40: We're apparently working hard to stop "dangerous materials" from being imported into Iraq.

7:42: Yes, I know, we thought they were there. To quote the philosopher Alanis Morrisette, "you live - you learn."

7:44: "The advance of freedom will lead to peace." Indeed.

7:45: Dick Cheney looks remarkably constipated... squeeze it out, bud.

7:46: Iran gots to give ups da goods. They say no. Or however you say that in...uh... Iranian?

Correction: Farsi. I knew that. Somewhere, deep in the dank underbelly of my vast intelligence. Or whatever. Thanks, dear readers.

7:50: The Iraqi people value their liberty as they showed the left the world...

7:52: Michael Moore will not overturn the will of the Iraqi people. Awesome! Sorry, I mean "extremism."

7:55: Michael Moore, will, however, overturn an entire Old Country Buffet to get at the spicy meat loaf and perhaps a few crescent rolls with butter.

7:56: "Our commitment remains firm and unchanging... and freedom in Iraq will make America safer for generations to come." Something certain parties would do well to understand.

7:58: To the family of the fallen soldier, thank you.

8:01: No, to all the families of those soldiers fallen, injured, or actively serving, a huge fucking thank you. Pardon my language.

8:03: "the liberation from Fascism was only a dream... until it was achieved."

8:04: Hmmm, ok, we're done. I was hoping for more details on domestic issues, personally. Further thoughts to come after conferencing with my fellow drunkards for the next lil' while.

8:08: Wolf Blitzer is talkin' about the blogosphere. I doubt I'll be on there. My cell phone ain't ringing. Yeah, hey, NICE NAME, WOLF!

8:13: Ooh, the Democrats are talking... or putting people to sleep, it's hard to tell.

8:14: Is this the Democratic response or a self-help circle jerk?

8:15: Michele, a Democratic activist, says "tell us another story, Grandpa." Darren, her fiance, will probably get a new asshole for this.

8:16: Grandpa, we're already a powerhouse. Thanks.

8:17: I have sooo gots to pee.

8:17: Must stop the slanty-eyed and "yo quiero Taco Bell!" people from taking our jobs, even the ones we don't want. Haven't the Democrats ever taken a college economics course?

8:18: The Dems say it's wrong to take my money, invest it where I want it, to get the returns I am hoping for... instead, they'd rather take my money, invest it in something I've got fuck all clue about, if they invest it at all, and then give me what they think is a "fair amount." THANKS!

8:19: Invoking God? I still have to pee, dude.

8:20: Nancy Pelosi- her name is like the Spanish word "pelota," which means "ball," but somehow I doubt it applies.

8:21: Ok, I'm about to pop. With a capital PEE.

8:22: Democrats all in favor of Iraqi voting, except when they aren't - which is when it serves their purposes. Iraq is a magnet for terrorists... somehow, I have small dificulty accepting that an Iraqi/Allied checkpoint is a better place to have a bomb go off than a shopping mall.

But then people in shopping malls are dirty evil capitalists! Die Die Die!

Yes, I'm being "hyperbolic."

It's cute. And now I gotta pee. Back shortly, loved ones.

8:27. Bladder condition: EMPTY.