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September 14, 2004

Department of Jackshit

John Ashcroft, after a serious night of lubing all his holy places with Crisco, had the Lord come to him in a dream and encourage the building of this monstrosity:

Illegal drugs from ecstasy to crack are back in Times Square – all safely under glass in what will be the world’s highest profile anti-drug museum at One Times Square called Target America: Drug Traffickers, Terrorists and You.

Whew, it's a good thing they are under glass, because we all know that ecstasy and crack, when left lying out, have the mischievous power to launch themselves into our bloodstreams.* Remember, it's not that YOU abuse drugs, it's that drugs abuse YOU!

The free exhibit explains how illegal drug users are not the only victims.

See, just like I said.

Isn't saying that illegal drug users are "victims" akin to saying that people who eat tons of fried food, smoke cigarettes, or masturbate with chainsaws are "victims" of their own behavior?

Displays include an actual drug related car wreck,

WOW! An "actual drug related car wreck" - sounds like they had trouble drumming up even one of them. Now, if they were looking for an alcohol-inspired tangled mess of metal, they'd have had no problem. So much for priorities, Mr. Ashcroft.

... a jungle cocaine lab, an Afghan heroin “factory,” a re-created methamphetamine hotel cook room, a tenement crack-house room, and interactive kiosks that explain how dealers launder money to profit terrorists.

...all the while neglecting to mention how the idiotic war on drugs provides the incentive for people to infuse all of the above with massive amounts of money. I suppose that would not be "on message" - you know, undermining all your anti-drug bullshit with truth.

There is also a display on the link between drugs and terror that includes a memorial containing wreckage and artifacts from the September 11, 2001 attacks at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

Holy shit, you mean that the hijackers were using drugs and that is why they crashed their planes?

And here I was thinking it was just small-minded belief in their narrow religious view that they were "god's-chosen-people-for-now." Silly me.

Thanks for clearing it up, Johnny.

You lying sack of shit. Wait, can I say that? [Patriot Act Note: This sentence was found to be in violation of the Patriot Act and a personal affront to Herr Ashcroft, thus it has been rescinded with apologies and blood sacrifice.]

According to DEA Administrator Karen Tandy, "Bringing 'Target America' to Times Square will let millions of visitors see, first hand, how US illegal drug sales not only help support terrorism, but also how drugs terrorize all of us."

It will not, however, let anyone see how legalizing drugs would eliminate said support, and how punishing the abuse of drugs alone would help us all. Truth, such a pesky little thing.

Good lord, the priorities of this DOJ are so... fucked. Yeah, that's the word.

* Similar effects have been documented with homosexuality, with dirty "homosexual particles" leaping from infected persons to otherwise straight individuals, turning them into well-dressed, etiquette-minded minions of fine living. Scary!