October 30, 2003

What degenerate produced this abortion?

The question is rhetorical: the answer is Drew Barrymore, along with several other partners in blasphemy. The above is a quote from one of my favorite scenes from my favorite novel, CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES, which she has trampled on with her little cloven drug ridden Tom Green divorcing she-devil hooves. May Hroswitha and Boethius unite to plead for mercy for her undeserving soul (and may it not be given).

What has she done, you ask? Well I'll tell you...

The Juvie-Cokehound turned Revenant Slattern owns the film rights to CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES. That book, for those who walk in darkness and have read it not, revolves around Ignatius J. Reilly, a 30 something Boethius spouting archsedevacantist 300 lb. "self proclaimed genius" with a degree in medeival philosophy, a penchant for sloth, and a troublesome valve and his misadventures when he's forced to enter the workforce of his native French Quarter. To say hilarity ensues is to say is the biggest understatement since Custer said "Or maybe I was wrong". It is a novel without peer.

There have been attempts to turn it into a film for more than 20 years. The late great John Belushi was in negotiations to play the role when he had his lethal game of "Highball 'Hi Bob'"; since then names that have been tossed around have included John Candy (back when he was less cremated), Oliver Platt (my personal post-Belusian favorite), Jack Black (possible...), Philip Seymour Hoffman (is it me or is there anybody else who just can't stand this guy?) and even... God forbid... Louie Anderson. At one point Stephen Fry (brilliant in Wilde for those who haven't seen it- he is Oscar and Oscar is he, and nekkid Jude Law is finer than Baccarat crystal on an Egyptian cotton cloth with Trebizondian silk fringe and a design embroidered by Islamic nuns) wrote a screen version for Robbie Coltrane to star in- even that might have worked. But twas not to be.

Drew Barrymore has signed... as Ignatius...

Send the children from the room less they become like Tommy...

Will

Freaking

Ferrell

Yep, I said Will Ferrell. As in no-talent hack who wouldn't seem smart if he was surrounded by debeaked and lobotomized chickens Will Ferrell. As in "one-trick pony with less star power than Urkel as only post-Mike Myers SNL can produce them" Will Ferrell. As in "makes you long for the Brandovian brilliance and subtleties of Pauly Shore" Will Ferrell. As in "I think that acid laced crack and meth cocktail Drew took back when she was nine just kicked in" Will Ferrell. As in "couldn't act dead if he cuckolded O.J." Will Ferrell. IS THERE AT LAST NO DECENCY IN HOLLYWOOD!?

What's up next Drew? Are you going to remake AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MISS JANE PITTMAN as a Dolly Parton project? How about MACBETH starring Verne Troyer and Anna Nicole? ON GOLDEN POND 2 starring Ashton and Demi?

Oy... if you're Catholic and want to know how I fell, just imagine that Charles Nelson Reilly has been elected Pope. If you're Jewish, imagine Pat Buchanan has been made head of the JDL. If you're Baptist, imagine the phrase "President Elect Harvey Feirstein". If you're atheist, imagine the phrase "President Elect Pat Robertson".

I do like the casting of Lily Tomlin whenever possible and she's also in this, though as Mrs. Reilly instead of as Santa, which would be by far the better role for her. But the question is moot. If they cast MY Mama, I still wouldn't see this thing- God and John K. Toole gave them a filet mignon and they have made of it a chitlin'.

Your appauled working boy,

Henrik