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June 02, 2003

Songs to Sleep By

As a new parent, I feel obligated to share some of the many, many parenting secrets I've learned in the last four and a half weeks. My only hope is that those of you who may one day become parents, or those of you who are finding it ever-so-difficult raising your tykes, will be enriched in some manner by my contributions to the literature.

So, without further delay, I present a brief list of songs to sleep by - or, more accurately, songs with which you can lull your little ones into peaceful slumber, in order of effectiveness.

1. Brahm's Lullaby - also known in our household as "the night night song," consisting of lyrics which we make up on the fly. Depending on the hour, they could be as simple as "go to sleep, little Fiona" or as complex as "shut your eyes and quit crying, we want to f'ing sleep, little Fiona."

2. Jeremy by Pearl Jam. I'm setting the band up for a lawsuit when Fiona gets into trouble. I think once I get her playing violent video games, our financial future will be pretty bright.

3. Stigmata by Ministry. This one didn't work so well. I can't fathom why. Perhaps I'll have better luck with Thieves or The Land of Rape and Honey. I'll report back.

Always glad to be of service. Look for more child-rearing tips in the future.