May 27, 2003

Are There Any More Clichès You'd Like to Mention?

I've been on a search committee for a position here and have conducted several telephone interviews this week. Apparently I either have better reflexes or more a devious bent than most people because I avoided the ENORMOUS missteps they make. A few tips in case you're being interviewed in the future:

1. There is no place in the English speaking world (or anywhere else) where "Whatchu know good?" is an acceptable greeting.

2. NEVER insult a specific state during an interview. (I asked one of our applicants if she'd ever been to Georgia or for that matter anywhere in the deep south; her response: "Well, I was in Mississippi once for a friend's wedding. I haven't been to Georgia, but it's gotta be better than Mississippi yuk yuk yuk." She apologized when told I'm from Arbuckle, MS. (I'm not, but it was way too good a straight line and moment for a life lesson.)

3. When asked how you are at public speaking, "It flipping terrifies me" is not the answer that any employer wants to hear.

4. We live in an age where you literally have more info at your fingertips than your parents did in their entire city- if you know you're going to be interviewed by X University or X Inc., go to Google and research the hell out of them. If you know the name of an individual or individuals who will be interviewing them, find out all you can: where'd they go to college, what's their area of specialty, is their personal web site humorous or ultra professional? STRATEGIZE for God's sake and DON'T ASK STUPID QUESTIONS THAT WOULD BE ANSWERED BY TWO MINUTES OF GOOGLING!!!! (Questions I've been asked this week, all by supposedly educated people, include "How big is Milledgeville, GA?", "How many students are at your university?", "How old is your university?", "Are you a liberal arts college?", "How big is Atlanta?", "Do you have any Chinese restaurants there?", and "Are you near the coast?". They're valid questions all, but also all of them are answerable with a quick web search, so ALL OF THEM say to me "I could have looked this up in less time than it takes to hoarke up a raw oyster but you're like a sixth choice so I really didn't wanna take the time" which makes me say "Next!")

5. I'm a relatively non-BS sort of person when interviewing and prefer the same from the interviewee. Yes, if you're a "people person" or "enjoy a challenge" and "excel at teamwork", include it in your cover letter, where you're expected to induldge in cliches and "action words", but for every three trite sayings in the interview please know I'm giving you a "noogie by phone".

6. Re: the Google thing- don't think that you're fooling me when you pretend to be an expert on something you never heard of before Wednesday. (One of the positions we're interviewing for requires a lot of dealing with the manuscripts and effects of author X O'X, a writer who has a greater cult following than you'd ever believe and whom some lit professors devote their careers to studying. When asked "Are you very familiar with X O'X?"* one applicant said "Oh yes, Catholic novelist and essayist, 1925-1974** whom many believe to be the rival of Faulkner and Capote in terms of important Southern writers of the late 20th century. She's one of my favorites!"

   I had to ask: Really? Who's your favorite of her characters?

   Cricket cricket cricket cricket

   "Well I dunno, that's really hard to say... there were so many good ones... um... I.... [phone sweat]"

   Another said "Give me one month and I'll be the south's foremost expert on her!" That'll be nice news for the faculty member who's researched her for 30 years and written several books and articles about her- in 30 days you can be replaced!

7. When asked "What are your weaknesses?" (which you will be in almost any interview) for Gawd's sake LIE! It's best to give a "weakness" that is really a strength, such as:
   
   
   • oh, I'm such a perfectionist
     
   • I'm a total workaholic
     
   • I'm so detail focused
     
   • I'm very independent
     
   • I tend to take on more than anybody else

   Things you DO NOT ADMIT TO (and that I've heard this week) include:

   
   
   • I am just NOT a morning person - I'll be there more than 40 hours a week, but I just can't get there on time in the morning
     
   • Some say that I have a tendency to talk down to people
     
   • I am VERY nervous meeting new people
     
   • I tend to start more things than I finish

   Here's a hint: your interviewer isn't really asking "what are your weaknesses," but "How well and originally can you blow smoke up my arse while sounding perfectly sincere? We'll have time to learn your real failings later." Likewise, the interviewer is not your friend but the sphinx you have to make eat from your hand before you get to the next level.

   I think I better empathize with Simon Cowell after this. While I'm not as openly rude, I completely know where he's coming from. I've heard and read all the same cliches you have, deary, if you're gonna BS me then at least feed the bull some clover and aramis so it'll have a more interesting smell than the others.

   *And it's okay NOT to be- I knew who she was before I came here, had read some of her stories and knew she died young of lupus and that was about it. The rest that you "need to know" you can learn once you're here if you've a bright mind and literary bent- you're being hired more for how you work with valuable papers than to be a world renowned A&E interview giving expert- we got those already.

   **Incidentally she died in 1964, not 1974.
   

   Posted by Jon at 03:41 PM