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April 11, 2003

American Economy Decimated!

Economists across the United States are hurriedly working on extensive reports to detail the massive derailing of the U.S. economy over the last two weeks. Unemployment has surged as corporations, experiencing massive losses on an unprecedented scale, have scaled back their staff - in some cases as much as 25% in a single cut. Initial indications are that the cause of this state of financial ruin can be attributed to the Boycott Brand America campaign of Adbusters.

In the face of intense opposition at home and abroad, the US government is determined to fight a war that will be felt around the world. It's a slap in the face to democracy, a cold shoulder to liberty - and it's time to make a visible statement against American power gone wrong. Here is the one and only rule for the Brand America Boycott: this action belongs to you. You decide what brands and products stand as symbols of America's new empire-building project, and you decide how you'll make your statement. Above all else, this is a culture jam - personal, spontaneous, unpredictable.

They left out the biggest characteristic: "ineffective." And nevermind that, even if such a campaign worked, the only people it would hurt would be average Americans who get to lose their jobs and go into the ranks of the unemployed - but wait, this would give them the perfect excuse to demand our taxes be raised.

Maybe it's really a brilliant ploy after all!

Some people are planning a total Made-in-America boycott. Some will boycott oil for the duration of the war.

Yes, much better to buy everything that says "Made in China" - the last bastion of human rights and democracy. "Made in France?" Wow, a subsistence based around Yoplait. As for the boycott of oil, it will be amusing to see life without plastics, won't it? Or, really, life without any amenities, since they all* get delivered (even Yoplait and rubber dog poop) to the store by trucks which just gobble up the gasoline (it comes from oil, you see).

Others are planning public activism against the greatest symbols of the Brand America warriors: McDonald's, Philip Morris, Exxon Mobil...

Note to these companies - it's time to put in the shatter-proof windows to prevent "freedom of expression" from damaging your property. Note to the police - check wooden dowel inventories just to be safe.

When the bombs start falling, the boycott begins. Within days, we'll launch the first days of action - targeted boycotts to make a visible statement against the symbols of American power that we live with day to day.

Power to the people! I bet this has been huge and the media is just covering up the whole story. I bet if I looked out my window I'd see... oh, look, a bunch of people going into Starbuck's. Hello American consumers not paying attention!

Imagine a global action against American oil corporations, or a day when McDonald's restaurants stand empty from Tokyo to Toronto, from Berlin to Chicago. Imagine a 24-hour blackout of America's "big five" media cheerleaders.

Uh, I'm pretty sure you're going to have to imagine it too, junior, since it sure as hell ain't happening. Culture jam? This isn't even a mild case of culture constipation.

Better luck next time!

*...even organic, kid-friendly-mother-earth-approved strawberries farmed with long-handled hoes by hemp-wearing communes.