Archive for April, 2008

John McCain Hates America!

Monday, April 21st, 2008

From McCain’s speech in historic Selma, Alabama today:

In his speech, McCain reminded of the courage and cause of Martin Luther King Jr. and of John Lewis, who took the first blow of an Alabama state trooper’s baton and who now is a Democratic congressman from Georgia.

“There must be no forgotten places in America, whether they have been ignored for long years by the sins of indifference and injustice, or have been left behind as the world grew smaller and more economically interdependent,” McCain declared. “In America, we have always believed that if the day was a disappointment, we would win tomorrow. That’s what John Lewis believed when he marched across this bridge. That’s what he still believes; what he still fights to achieve: a better country than the one he inherited.”

“A better country than the one he inherited.”

Hmmm, and here I thought that America was the best country. As in, ain’t no gettin’ better than that, commie pinko liberals.

Hey, McCain, just what is so wrong with America right now?

I expect the outrage of the right wing blogosphere over this insult to our great nation to be deafening.

(pin drop)

(feather drop)

(subatomic particle impacting the floor at an indeterminate velocity)

Odd, they sure seem to get in a huff when a Democrat says something equally benign.

Update: Still all quiet on the wingnut front.

No response yet from Michelle Obama proclaiming that “the United States of America has always been the best country, ever, a super-duper one even.” We should probably investigate her for treason.

Update 2: Far, far be it from me to jump to conclusions about anyone, but – uh – in this case, I seem to think that all the right-wing overreactions to godless anti-Americanism by the liberal candidates-to-be, have been – what’s the kind word for it? – oh yes, buckets of Republican horse shit.

Now, someone get me my lapel flag pin so I can prove I am a patriot.

When God Hands You Lemons

Saturday, April 19th, 2008

…have a big glass of Pope-lemonade!

Pope Benedict XVI blessed a group of children with disabilities Saturday and told them it was a special joy to spend time with them.

He spoke at Saint Joseph Seminary in Yonkers, just a few miles north of New York.

“Sometimes, it is challenging to find a reason for what appears only as a difficulty to be overcome or even pain to be endured,” the pope told the children and their caregivers.

“God has blessed you with life and with differing talents and gifts. Through these, you are able to serve him and society in various ways.”

Yes, it certainly is challenging when one is taught that “God is all-knowing, all-powerful, and – oh yeah – love too.” His idea of love and mine would appear to be at significant odds.

Next year, instead of a card and cooking a nice dinner, maybe I’ll get my wife a debilitating disease for her birthday.

Can you feel the love tonight?

And This is Different How?

Friday, April 18th, 2008

Gosh, no other religion is like this:

SAN ANGELO, Texas (AP) — Girls in the West Texas polygamist sect enter into underage marriages without resistance because they are ruthlessly indoctrinated from birth to believe disobedience will lead to their damnation, experts for the state testified Friday at a custody hearing for 416 youngsters.

Whereas in mainstream Christianity, everybody gets a free pony when they die, no matter what.

Make Your Fortune in the Music Industry

Thursday, April 17th, 2008

Dogs Die in Hot Cars, a band I discovered by randomly checking out CDs from the library, is looking for help in completing their second album:

Wherever your creativity lies, we want you to finish the second album. Whether you are a Singer, Guitarist, Pianist, Poet, DJ, Producer, Dancer or Shoemaker – we want to hear how you think the second album should sound.

From here you can download the album two demos and also all the individual tracks that made up the songs (vocals, guitars, synths etc.) to make with them whatever you wish. Completely free.

We will give 50% of all our royalty incomes that come from the final second album to those who have contributed towards the making of it.

I really liked their first album, and it sucks that they’ve gone the way of the Dinosaurs (and the TV show, “Dinosaurs”).

However, I will take them up on getting the demos for album two.

All Dogs Go to Heaven?

Wednesday, April 16th, 2008

…well, except for Martha Stewart’s:

Martha Stewart’s dog Paw Paw, who was a familiar face on her television show and in her magazine, has died of renal failure.
Paw Paw and Stewart

The 60-pound chow, whose full name was Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow, was almost 13. Stewart had owned him since he was born, and had named him Paw Paw for his large paws, a spokeswoman said.

Speaking from the canine afterlife (I was kidding about him not going to doggy Heaven, see), he admitted no greater shame in life than being named Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow, wishing he had instead been named Peter.

Maybe It Will Involve Another Coloring Book

Wednesday, April 16th, 2008

The Pope is gettin’ serious about man-boy love in the Church:

Traveling on his first papal journey to the United States, Pope Benedict XVI confronted the clergy sex abuse scandal, saying Tuesday that he was “deeply ashamed” of the problem and vowing to keep pedophiles out of the priesthood…

“It is a great suffering for the church in the United States and for the church in general and for me personally that this could happen,” Benedict said. “It is difficult for me to understand how it was possible that priests betray in this way their mission … to these children.”

Just a guess, but it probably had something to do with bishops helping the priests hide in plain sight, an evil and corrupt bureaucracy so enamored of mammon that it would sacrifice our young people to keep the money flowing.

Benedict pledged that pedophiles would not be priests in the Catholic Church.

“We will absolutely exclude pedophiles from the sacred ministry,” Benedict said. “It is more important to have good priests than many priests. We will do everything possible to heal this wound.”

What, are they going to implement something like the questions the ticket agent used to ask you at the airport?

“Mr. O’Malley, have you ever fondled a boy’s wiggledy-woo? No? Very good, very good.”

Wink wink nudge nudge.

That’ll do wonders.

Pedophilia is “absolutely incompatible” with the priesthood, Benedict said.

Uh, dude, I think the last several decades have shown that to be a falsehood. It made for strange bedfellows (you know, old men and young boys), but compatibility sure wasn’t the problem.

American Idol, Top 7, Live Recap, April 15, 2008

Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

Time once again, ladies and gents and people of indeterminate gender identity due to either biology, tragic mishap, or personal choice!

It’s Tuesday, and that rhymes with truth-day, at least if you lisp badly (go on, try it – you know you want to!).

So, tonight, as always for your edification and entertainment, I shall endeavor to give you the low-down on the goings-on with the winner- and losers-to-be of the not-a-one-hit-wonder show, American Idol. Endeavor being the operative word, because there’s a good chance my cynicism and general unhappiness with my lot in life* will get the better of me and I will just make stuff up.

Who? Me?

No way!

Stay tuned… there’s more to come…

Before We Start, a Prediction: Michael Johns will not be going home tonight.

Call it a gut feeling.

It’s 7pm, So Here We Go! (oh my gosh, how exciting)

Mariah Carey is the coach tonight. Her boobs are the visual distraction from any auditory nightmares that might unfold.

David Archuletta listens to Mariah Carey a lot. Ladies, I’m telling you, he’s off limits, unless you need fashion advice. He’s also the first male of the night to have zero interest in Mariah’s yabos.

Watching him sing, it’s like Clay Aiken and Rick Astley had a love child. I might have made that joke already. But, that’s ok, because it’s that true. And I speak truth to power. And inappropriate things to hot moms. Or do I?

Randy wishes David would sing his nuts a love song. Paula agrees (although to her puppies, not her nuts, because she doesn’t have nuts, but she is nuts). Simon liked it too.

Playing second fiddle to the David-wanky-diddle is Carly Smithson. In honor of Mariah, she’s showing her cleavage, which is fine with me (more than fine), except I just noticed she has the nose of Meg from “The Family Guy.”

But that’s ok, cleavage rules. Noses suck.

Well, think about it, sometimes they do. They also blow.

The intro was pitchy and boring, but the higher parts were solid. Randy concurs. Paula talked about Carly swelling, which would seem more appropriate when she’s speaking about Michael Johns and her hooded Amazonian warrior, but there you go. Simon gives constructive criticism.

Syesha Mercado is singing “Vanishing,” a song Mariah wrote as a teenager, long before the (alleged) boob job (Mariah, not Syesha, although that couldn’t hurt her chances at pop stardom).

She can obviously sing, but what I have never liked about Mariah is that she engages in vocal noodling, throwing out runs and scales regardless of how well they fit in any given place. Syesha did the same.

It’s like Ron Jeremy whipping out his manhood every time a camera was near despite the fact that no one would willingly do Ron Jeremy without significant pay. Or not, but whatever.

Someday, my similes and metaphors will be regarded as fine literature.

Brooke White takes on the song “Hero.” She goes for the piano factor, which is a good move when you’re not the strongest singer in the bunch. If your mouth can’t keep up, at least you’ve got your hands. So I hear. Man, I am almost too crass tonight for even me.

Overall, a very level performance, a bit squelchy in places, but passable, a good try. Although Simon says the “bit in the middle” was missing, while Randy says “the meat was in the bun.” And I thought I was crass.

Kristy Lee Cook. She can sing, and she’s pretty. And she’s pretty, and she can sing. Paula rambled a bit like that, didn’t she? Simon is off the mark, although I admit my own weakness for the pretty girl.

Things are really cookin’ now (arrrgh), as David Cook and his adolescent beard are up next.

So, he plays the guitar for Mariah but not for the people? I feel so let down. I also feel this performance would have worked a lot better had he actually been playing the guitar, but it felt to me like something any hair metal band could have done. That said, the change up in the arrangement was daring, even for a boy who struggles to grow a beard (myself included, and you should hear how I change up arrangements of Mariah Cary songs).

Jason Castro is – right this moment – wishing he had opted for diapers instead of the big boy pants, because David Cook hoarded a lot of praise just then.

And, sadly, I missed the whole performance because the wee Fiona stepped in a hairball on her way to bed.

Whoops.

* I’m actually pretty happy, especially now that you’re here, dear American Idol consumer. Have you lost weight? You look fabulous!

No Child Left Behind?

Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

Heck, here in Colorado, we might as well just push the kids down and run away giggling something about “bureaucracy.”

The principal at Runyon Elementary sent a letter home to parents saying he’s “astounded” at the reaction of the Colorado Department of Education after his fourth grade teachers realized the CSAP writing test used a question which students practiced with earlier…

Hilliard’s letter states that during the written portion of the Colorado Student Assessment Program (CSAP) tests for fourth graders, teachers realized the real question was one used by students during a practice session. The letter states that a teacher remembered this question from a CSAP test several years ago and used it in class thinking it would never be used again.

The letter states that once teachers realized the issue, they contacted CDE with hopes of getting a different written test to administer to these students…

The district asked the state for any accommodations like taking another version of the written test or using a question from a previous year. Instead, the Department of Education decided to invalidate the test and give zeroes to 60 of the students who took the written portion.

That’ll teach those kids a lesson in honesty.

The Next Trent Lott?

Monday, April 14th, 2008

Could be U.S Representative (R-KY) Geoff Davis:

U.S. Rep. Geoff Davis, a Hebron Republican, compared Obama and his message for change similar to a “snake oil salesman” [at a Northern Kentucky Lincoln Day dinner].

He said in his remarks at the GOP dinner that he also recently participated in a “highly classified, national security simulation” with Obama.

“I’m going to tell you something: That boy’s finger does not need to be on the button,” Davis said. “He could not make a decision in that simulation that related to a nuclear threat to this country.”

“That boy.” That’s gonna go over well.

Oh yeah, and then the little tidbit about revealing the goings-on in a “highly classified, national security simulation.” Smooth.

I suppose Rep. Davis would be happy just to nuke’em all and let his God sort them out (especially the brown folks, seeing as how he can’t tell them apart)…

Whoops: Looks like Davis has issued a non-pology.

It was just “a poor choice of words” and was not “meant to impugn” Obama or his integrity.

Well, no, and I don’t think anyone said it did… what it appeared to do was reveal a large chunk of personal disrespect (and a small bit of latent racist tendencies perhaps), as well as impugn Obama’s ability to defend the country in a time of dire need (not much I can think of more dire than a nuclear attack, unless it’s someone first moving small Kansas towns closer to Denver so they can see the mushroom cloud).

I’ve no plans to vote for Obama; I just think public mouthpieces shouldn’t say stupid things and then act like they didn’t (Reference: Obama, bitter, small-town folks, paraphrasing apology).

Update: John Cole adds:

And before the weak attempts to claim that the use of “boy” was just due to an age differential, let me point out that this casting call reject from O Brother Where Art Thou is 49 years old. Obama is 45.

Oh, sure, but if Geoff was 18 and Obama was 14, would we really be having this discussion?

OK, fine, what if Obama was 14 and white?

The Evil Atheist Overlords Have Spoken

Monday, April 14th, 2008

Verily, I must obey.

We need to get the NCSE’s counter-site to the hideous little propaganda film, Expelled, to rank higher in the search engines. The way to do this is for lots and lots of you to link to the Expelled Exposed site with the word Expelled.

Hence, my offering:

Expelled

I trust it is found satisfactory by the dark powers that be.