It’s not on yet, of course, but thought I would throw this placeholder out there for all the happy Googlers who come by tonight.
Perhaps, this being April Fool’s Day, I should actually post only truthful, factual statements about the remaining contestants, just for a delightful change of pace.
So, yeah, that’s what I will do.
Everything you are about to read (later) will be the God’s honest truth*.
Update: And the show has begun!
First up, Brooke White, in a segment with Dolly Parton, in which we learn that shadowed studio lighting is not kind to Brooke and that her piano playing is stronger than her guitar.
She does the song “Jolene.” She appears to have scoliosis, that or her guitar is way, way too big for her. I found the performance to just be… there. It existed. Randy agrees. Paula rambles. Simon nails it.
David Cook finds his arrangements online. Quite the original (brought to you by Google).
Oh, wait, he’s doing his own arrangement of “Little Sparrow.” Next year’s contestants can Google it if necessary. To his credit, he’s playing something other than basic open chords on his guitar, so there’s that.
And then closes it with some cheesy harmonic strum. Sigh.
Not a bad performance, but for me it was just… again… there. Nothing memorable, good or bad. On the bright side, he’s not dwarfed by his big boy guitar.
Ramiele Malubay is wearing what appears to be an overall-skort hybrid. It’s unfortunate. Maybe it’s the lighting.
Wait, she was singing too? I didn’t really notice, while trying to suss out what that is she is wearing. That’s how memorable it was. However, the gams look nice. Maybe we need American Gams. With me as the judge. Woot woot!
The love child of John Travolta and Alanis Morissette is up. Jason Castro gets an auto-erotic postcard from someone in Colorado and then performs “Travelin’ Thru.”
A pretty solid performance, and I like the gospel touch in the vocals at the end. Which may be there in the original, but I have no idea. Fitting either way. Now, just lose the dreads, poopy-head boy. Randy’s got it. Paula loves every damn thing under the sun. Simon is wrong.
Carly Smithson. I’m dealing with troublesome kids right now, but her strong note caught my attention. It’s nice to see that everyone from her ink shop showed up to support her. I do agree with Simon that her clothes need some work.
“Smokey Mountain Memories,” brought to you by David Archuletta, he of the strong voice, good fashion sense, and a sexuality that is bound to disappoint a number of 10-12 year olds when they realize he really doesn’t much care for “the boobies.” That said, dude can sing and could make a killing with his own Vegas show. With lots of dancing girls. In whom he would have no interest.
But that’s more for me.
Kristy Lee Cook looks fabulous in the jeans she is wearing while rehearsing with Dolly. The dress during “Coat of Many Colors” ain’t half bad either. See, I focus on the important things in a singing competition.
Now, for the performance… she was a good performer in front of a lackluster house band with a nothing-special arrangement.
Interlude: I would so do naughty things to Tina Fey. If my wife approved, of course.
“I Will Always Love You,” performed by Syesha Mercado. My fear is that no matter how “un-bad” you perform this song, you’ll always be compared to Whitney Houston’s version, which would be hard to top. Although that held note was pretty damn impressive.
Randy lives down to Andy’s law, above. Paula comments on looking pretty first, which is never a good thing, and I can’t really tell whether or not she liked it, but then prescription drugs can do that to a former pop star. Simon also can’t see past Whitney, which is sad, because apparently once we have a great version of a song, apparently no one else should dare to perform it in public.
If that were true, no one would ever dare touch Gorky Park’s “Bang!”
I rest my case.
Michael Johns. He needs to work on his look of self-important earnestness. The current one pains me.
It was a solid singing performance, but it didn’t do anything for me. See above faux expressions comment.
And they’re rushing to end the show, and that means it is time for the new season of Hell’s Kitchen. Gordon Ramsay, hooray! Such a mild-mannered and meek soul is he.
* Since God does not exist, please consider this warranty null and void.