I Don’t Even Want to Know

Um, okay:

NESS CITY, KS (AP) – Deputies say a woman in western Kansas sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years, and they’re investigating whether she was mistreated.

Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple says a man called his office last month to report that something was wrong with his girlfriend.

The sheriff says the woman’s muscles had atrophied and that medical personnel had to remove her from the toilet because she was bound to it by “natural means.”

I am going to guess there’s either a very tragic or very freaky story behind this.

Either way, that’s got to be some kind of record. Congratulations.

Butt* Wait! There’s more!

A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat had a phobia about leaving the bathroom, the boyfriend said.

“She is an adult; she made her own decision,” said her boyfriend, Kory McFarren. “I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it.”

“But after a while, you kind of get used to it.”

Dude, if I am in the bathroom for a minute or two, I’m answering the call of nature.

If I am in there for several minutes, I’m probably answering a completely different – yet oh so natural** – call.

But two years?

Hell, if am in there for even an hour, I’m either dead or in serious need of some kind of help.

Kory McFarren: you are an imbecile.

I don’t make fun of people with phobias, which is a shame, because I was all ready to say something like this:

Woman: Kory, do these pants make my ass look big?

Kory: No, but the toilet seat stuck to it sure does.

But now I won’t.

* I kill me. I do. I really do.

** Unless you’re Catholic.

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