American Idol 2008, Episode 1, Live Recap

…will begin whenever American Idol starts sometime tonight.

Yes, once again, this site will be your number one source for all sorts of utterly thrilling commentary about the American Idol contestants, with the much-loved undeniably true trivia and factoids about same.

Here’s hoping this year brings us a bumper crop of Katharine McPhee “yellow dress moments.”

Sigh.

And so it begins…


7:06pm – Looks like this year we’ll be getting to know the American Idol contestants on a more personal level. Learning their hopes and dreams, fears and worries. We will appreciate them as real people, right before the American Idol marketing juggernaut strips them of all individuality, consuming their souls in the unholy hellfire of the very blandest kind of capitalism. Rock on.

7:09pm – Joey Catalano, Catalina, whatever. Congrats on the weight loss, awesome job, and you should be proud. And you sing better than I expected. And is that the side of Paula’s boob we keep seeing through her open shirt? Mmm, boobs. Yeah, I know… even Paula’s. It’s a character flaw I have.

7:15pm – The biggest Bee Gees fan in Egypt is up. Or is that Borat? He is much sexy face, you know. Wait special girl for make much sex when find love. One thing’s for sure: he won’t be hanging out at I Hate Paula.com.

Now we just need a site called “Watch Paula Squirm.”

7:19pm – Melons? What’s her name? And why do I care?

Not bad. A somewhat uninspiring performance, with not a lot of variety in the vocal range. However, it seems that Randy lives up this name and sends Melanie out for some Hollywood mammaries. Memories. Whatever.

7:21pm – James Lewis (nee Eddie Vedder) is up, in his mustard-colored suit. He forgot to mention that he can also sing (or not-sing) like a retarded version of Lurch.

7:29pm – Zhengzhong Yu. Probably kin to Changchang Cheung.

7:30pm – Junot Joyner. Good voice, although Elton’s song could have done without the R&B “Yeeeeaaaahhhh.”

7:31pm – Jose Candelaria apparently was at one time in line for Latin American Idol, but got misdirected.

7:32pm – What the hell? Is this a season with 20% less Simon snark?

7:34pm – Temptress Brown. In the annals of parental misnomers, this might be a crowning achievement; but, hey, the power of positive thinking and all that.

Words of advice: If you don’t want to end up like your mother, my dear, you might want to focus more on the “temptress” and less on the “Hostess.” Maybe have a chat with Joey Catalinalano, the Weight Loss King of American Idol.

When your name is Mr. SexyBack WorldWideRant, you can say such things. I’m like Dr. Phil and stuff.

7:38pm – Mark Hayes. I’m dreaming of you shutting up.

7:41pm – MC Udgeet in the house. Kick his ass out and, Katy, bar the damn door.

7:51pm – Alexis Cohen. Hmmm. Who knew that Dee Snyder mated with a hippie and spawned?

8:03pm – Angela Martin. Because of her daughter’s condition, I will refrain from any smart-ass comments. Happily, none were warranted, aside from the “yeah” and “ooh” and “unh.”

8:13pm – Hey, look, it’s Patricia Arquette, in ur TV shakin hur boobz. And no good sing. No can has record contrakt!

8:16pm – OK, who let Dad out of the house after he was drunk? Come home, Dad!

8:21pm – Kristy Lee Cook. We have a winner!

I’d comment on the country twang thing, but cage-fightin’ Kristy might kick my ass.

8:30pm – Hi, I am Benji the Hutt, and I have absolutely no shame or common sense. I do, however, have bigger boobs than Carrie Fisher.

8:31pm – Does anyone know what Paul Marturano’s name was before he skipped down to avoid the restraining order? And what is it now that he’s trying to avoid arrest?

8:35pm – Beth Stalker. We have a winner!

Errr…sorry… that makes two winners, doesn’t it?

OK by me! Ladies, stop by anytime to pick up your prize.

8:39pm – Hi, I am Benji the Hutt, and I still have absolutely no shame or common sense. I do, however, still have bigger boobs than Carrie Fisher. And plumber’s crack too.

8:40pm – Has Randy said “dawg” yet?

8:41pm – Chris Watson is up. He can sing, but did he say “wichoo?” Enunciate, my man, enunciate!

8:48pm – Nameless girl, I would like to help you find who you are! I have a couple of ideas where we can start looking!

8:49pm – Speaking of Carrie Fisher. But more manly. Duh.

Ladies and gents, Christina Tolisano: future corrections officer from Connecticut (or wherever).

Ah, but Christina, you’ll have always have Tatooine.

8:52pm – Brooke White. Who looks remarkably like my friend Rae, except Brooke needs better hair products.

And, folks, we have another winner!

Congratulations to all three hotties contestants for reaching the pinnacle of first round victory!

See you for the next show, unless I bore of this too quickly.

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