Archive for November, 2007

Your Awwww Moment of the Day

Friday, November 30th, 2007

Piers is a watermelonPiers says “Oh, ‘ello you, me mum dresses me like a watermelon, she does.

“Damn limey woman.”

But he loves her, I’m almost sure of it.

Democracy: Russian Style

Thursday, November 29th, 2007

New thugs same as the old thugs.

The Kremlin is planning to rig the results of Russia’s parliamentary elections on Sunday by forcing millions of public sector workers across the country to vote, the Guardian has learned.

Local administration officials have called in thousands of staff on their day off in an attempt to engineer a massive and inflated victory for President Vladimir Putin and his United Russia party. Voters are being pressured to vote for United Russia or risk losing their jobs, their accommodation or bonuses, the Guardian has been told in numerous interviews with byudzhetniki (public sector workers), students and ordinary citizens.

Why intimidate, Pooty Poot?

Just buy the students an iPod and 20% of them will do whatever the hell you want when it comes to voting.

American Idol Tiki God?

Thursday, November 29th, 2007

Good people of America, please rush out and buy Jordin Sparks’ new album.

Without your help, she’ll never get the height reduction surgery she so desperately needs.

Instead, she’ll walk this world (taking very long fee-fi-fo-fum strides, of course), always bumping her head into things. You know, like power lines and billboards.

Redwood branches.

Low-flying aircraft.

Those sorts of things.

Help a sister out, would you?

How Do You Say “Irony” in Arabic?

Thursday, November 29th, 2007

Osama bin Laden has given up the job of terrorist leader, and has moved on to stand-up comedy:

(CNN) — An audio recording attributed to Osama bin Laden called on Europeans to abandon Afghanistan and accused NATO troops of killing women and children there…

In Thursday’s message, the speaker claims sole responsibility for the September 11, 2001, attacks and accuses America’s NATO allies of killing civilians in Afghanistan, where the country’s Taliban rulers allowed al Qaeda to operate prior to 9/11.

“You didn’t respect the rules of war and attacked and killed women and children on purpose,” the speaker says.

Whereas on 9/11, Osama’s real plan was to have his cronies bring milk, cookies, and delightful hand-knitted goods to the workers in the World Trade Center towers.

But it all went so horribly wrong!

Bin Laden is often painted as a mastermind, but statements like that make him look more like a very rich, very lucky idiot.

Note: Apparently, one of these words means “irony” in Arabic:

اِسْتِهْزاء , تَهَكُّم , سُخْرِيَة

Or, as a cruel joke by some Jihadist dictionary programmer, it could be an insult to Allah and now I’m in trouble.

Mister Splashy Pants!

Tuesday, November 27th, 2007

Go. Vote. Name the Greenpeace whale.

(found via The Agitator)

Silly, Harmless Beliefs – A Continuing Series

Sunday, November 25th, 2007

Hey, look, irrational people doing irrational things!

A 14-year-old New Zealand girl nearly lost her eyesight when her eyes were gouged by relatives in a Maori exorcism ceremony in which her cousin died, a report said Monday.

The girl is recovering after emergency operations on her eyes to save her sight after relatives scratched at her eyes to remove the devil, the Dominion Post newspaper said, quoting unnamed sources.

Members of the indigenous Maori family also syringed water into her eyes and poured it down her throat in an attempt to drive out the curse.

The girl’s cousin, 22-year-old Janet Moses, drowned during the October 12 ceremony, which reportedly left the house ankle deep in water.

Of course, these were just those backward Maori people. Not great Western thinkers like these folks.

$4 Million Doesn’t Buy an Iron Bowl Victory

Sunday, November 25th, 2007

New Alabama coach Nick Saban puts one foot in the grave of former Alabama coaches:

AUBURN, Ala. (AP) — Nick Saban couldn’t figure out how to beat Auburn, either. Brandon Cox scored on a 1-yard sneak with 3:58 left and the 25th-ranked Tigers played stingy defense in a 17-10 win over Alabama that extended Auburn’s winning streak in the bitter rivalry to a school-record six games.

Whoops.

On the bright side, I guess, there wasn’t a whole lot of scoring going on for either side. It wasn’t a complete stomping. Alabama had some beautiful plays (and the sound of whining Auburn fans when a pro-Bama play stands after review is music to the ears).

However, watching the last several games, it looks like Alabama just can’t find any sense of consistency in their game. Maybe Saban can change that by next season.

I certainly hope so.

But, if not, I’d rather see Mal Moore get his walking papers than Nick Saban.

…And Speaking of Mmmm Mmmm Good Eats

Friday, November 23rd, 2007

Yum!

Happy Turkey Day!

Thursday, November 22nd, 2007

Gobble gobble.

Update: Burp.

I’m Thankful, How About You?

Wednesday, November 21st, 2007

The level of thinking and insight at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary must be pretty shallow if their leader finds the following question “fascinating.”

Thanksgiving has been transformed into an iconic American event. This leaves us with a fascinating question — how do unbelievers celebrate Thanksgiving? They are giving thanks to whom, exactly?

Boy, that is a tough one!

I couldn’t possibly just be thankful toward my friends and loved ones for enriching my life, could I?

The secular vision of thanksgiving feels empty and false.

Says you.

Check me with me tomorrow around 3pm and I will be far from empty. I’m going to be stuffed to my rib-shaped rafters, and probably a little drunk too. Woohoo!

False? No, baby, it’s true. All so very true.

If there is no Creator and the universe is a cosmic accident, whom do we thank?

See above.

This isn’t hard. Really, it isn’t.

At best, all we can do is be happy–at least in some sense–that this accident has not turned out worse.

Well, you can do that and also thank the people around you. The real people. Not the made-up, live-in-the-sky, invisible, angry god people.

Really, Mr. Mohler, you think you’ve got some wonderful angle on things here, I know – but all your closed-eyes, heads-bowed thanks are about as logical and meaningful as thanking Horatio Caine for all his zingy one-liners.

See, ’cause he’s fictional. Kind of like your god. OK, just like, although David Caruso doesn’t take the role so seriously – and doesn’t smite the wicked.

But I bet he could if he wanted.

If there is no divine intelligence or benevolence behind world events, public and personal, it certainly seems like our Thanksgiving is just an exercise in considering ourselves comparatively lucky. How can fate be thanked?

Easy. Watch.

Me: “Thank you, fate.”

Fate: “…”

Me: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. It’s just that… well, you rock.”

Makes about as much sense as thanking fictional deities, though.

So, everyone (including you Mr. Mohler), take a moment right now to thank a living, breathing person for adding something special to your life here on Earth. You never know, they might thank you right back.

Unlike *cough* some deities *cough*.

(found via God is for Suckers)