Archive for October, 2007

New Jobs for Britney Spears!

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

If this whole pop star thing goes kafoozaly-boom again in the near future, fear not, for Britney is a young woman of many talents (among them: going commando, missing court dates, and performing at your big comeback like a drugged-up slug in ill-fitting clothes).

Surely, she will step back, evaluate her position, and further enrich the world by contributing in any way that comes to mind.

Such as, say – surprise! – model parent:

When “American Idol” host, who has a morning radio show on KIIS-FM in Los Angeles, asked Spears if she was doing all she could for her children, Spears replied, “Oh God yeah.”

Spears was unclear when Seacrest asked how often she would see the boys.

“That’s, like, all in the court,” she said. “Stuff like that, my lawyers know all that stuff.”

Because, really, why would a mother want to know when she’s getting to see her kids? I mean, after all, isn’t she doing all she can for them as it is?

Oh God yeah!

Those demanding, little ingrates! Hey, when social services brings them around next time, maybe Britney can pay someone to talk to them about all this too.

Not sold on the model parent idea? How about dispenser of sage advice?

However, she then said: “People talk and they say what they want at the end of the day, you know in the tabloids and in the magazines,” she said. “But you just try to keep on doing what you do, like, you know, and as long as you know what’s up and you know what’s true, that’s all that really matters, you know?”

Now, honestly, who could argue with that?

OK, if anyone understood it, who could argue with that?

Whereas many of us had to read the “Desiderata” in school, I have a strong feeling that Britney’s powerful words will replace them in decades hence.

Like, you know?

You Wish You Were Me*

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

Awwww yeah.

* Although maybe a little taller, more hair, maybe ten pounds lighter, with – say – a sweet foreign accent and – ooh! ooh! – laser cannons for eyeballs**.

** Hmmm, I think I’ve used a similar line before. Oh well, you get what you pay for.

The Indignity of Newsweek

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

Each week, Newsweek publishes what they call “The Dignity Index:”

A weekly mathematical survey of bad behavior that measures, on a scale of 1 to 100, just how low a person can go.

It’s obvious that the column is intended to be humorous, but someone should explain that to whatever mindless twit dreamed up this week’s index.

Texas Judge Sharon Keller refuses to keep her court open an extra 20 minutes so lawyers could fix a computer glitch and file a death-row appeal. Hours later, the inmate was executed.
Score: 32

Pandering for votes, lifelong Yankee fan Rudy Giuliani does the unthinkable: he’s rooting for the Red Sox in the World Series. So wrong on so many levels, we’re speechless.
Score: 95

Ha!

Get it?

Here, I’ll explain it to you!

A Yankees fan supporting the Red Sox is worse – nay! almost three times worse! – than a judge refusing to take a simple action that cost a man his life.

HA!

Oh, wait, that’s not funny. Not in the least.

Newsweek, if I was actually paying for my subscription to your magazine, I’d cancel it. As it is, at least the kids have free doodling paper.

(P.S. Editors, also on page 16 of this week’s magazine, you might want to let writer Jessica Bennett know that 2007 – 1970 = 37 years old, not 38. You might actually want to, oh, edit your magazine in the future.)

Bonus: Seems Judge Sharon Keller was just being true to form.

I May Not Have Gotten Colorado Rockies Fever

Tuesday, October 30th, 2007

…but I sure did get a good case of the stomach virus going around my office.

On the bright side, I’ve lost 10 pounds and my time in the shuttle run has improved twentyfold!

Rock on, virulent evil strains, rock on.

If You Want to Make an Omelette

Tuesday, October 30th, 2007

Whoops:

British marine biologists have found what may be the oldest living animal — that is, until they killed it.

The team from Bangor University in Wales was dredging the waters north of Iceland as part of routine research when the unfortunate specimen, belonging to the clam species Arctica islandica, commonly known as the ocean quahog, was hauled up from waters 250 feet deep.

Only after researchers cut through its shell, which made it more of an ex-clam, and counted its growth rings did they realize how old it had been — between 405 and 410 years old.

I’m just glad we don’t have to saw people in half to tell how old they are, because tomorrow would be my 36th time under the knife.

Ouch.

The Lottery May Be a Stupid Tax

Thursday, October 25th, 2007

…but taking the annuity over the lump sum is even more stupidererer.

DENVER – Colorado’s first Powerball winners claimed their prize on Wednesday.

Two families went in together to buy the winning ticket for the October 10th drawing. They will now share the $20 million prize.

The winners are from Germany, but are originally from Poland and came to Denver in 2002. They chose the annuity option which spreads the jackpot over 29 years. They picked up their first check Wednesday for $365,602.

Through a translator the winners said they plan to “stay cool,” travel and maybe buy a house someday.

I ran some quick numbers in an Excel spreadsheet, estimating that money received could be compounded at 8% annually, and that $200,000 a year would be withdrawn for supporting a better lifestyle. After 29 years, you’d have something like $10 million more by taking the lump sum rather than the annuity (assuming I didn’t screw up some numbers, always possible).

Hell, assuming that after splitting the money and paying taxes, you have $5.5 million leftover, that would be throwing off $440,000 a year if you earned an 8% return. Just by sitting on the money, you get more per year than from the annuity.

I guess they don’t teach math very well in Germany and Poland.

However, the State of Colorado thanks you, as that bad decision can pay for a lot of open space and public parks upkeep.

Inexcusable?

Wednesday, October 24th, 2007

How does something like this happen in 2007?

An ambulance that rushed a dying Chicago Marathon runner from the race to the hospital apparently got lost on the way, authorities said.

The crew called Chicago dispatchers to report Schieber was in full cardiac arrest, and they planned to take him to the University of Illinois at Chicago Medical Center, Chicago Fire Department spokesman Larry Langford said this week, but there’s no record of them seeking directions.

Niles Fire Chief Barry Mueller, however, said the crew did ask radio dispatchers for directions but got no response.

“That’s not unusual. The airwaves could be jammed,” Mueller said.

This could have been avoided with something as simple and inexpensive as a Garmin Nuvi GPS-based navigator. I’ve had the opportunity to use this gizmo in both large metropolitan areas and small Southern cities, and – so far – it has always known the best, fastest route to the programmed destinations.

That aside, why is an ambulance driver having to stop to ask directions in their own city? London cabbies have to have “the knowledge,” but EMTs in Chicago can’t be asked to know how to get to hospitals?

Ridiculous.

The World Series Starts Tonight!

Wednesday, October 24th, 2007

Woo.

This better not screw up my television viewing schedule.

Update: Checking the scores… CRIPES. It’s 13 to 1 Sox in the 5th? Ouch. That’s gonna leave a mark if the Rockies don’t work some magic.

Update 2: Well, the Rockies sure are off to a roaring start. I guess God got all sorts of busy starting fires and then ignoring baseball.

Happy Belated Birthday, Planet Earth!

Wednesday, October 24th, 2007

You don’t look a day over 6009!

From WorldNetDaily:

How old is the world?

Most people would say: “Nobody knows.”

Most people would be wrong.

But the author of the book frequently described as the greatest history book ever written, said the world was created Oct. 23, 4004 B.C. – making it exactly 6,010 yesterday.

In the 1650s, an Anglican bishop named James Ussher published his “Annals of the World,” subtitled, “The Origin of Time, and Continued to the Beginning of the Emperor Vespasian’s Reign and the Total Destruction and Abolition of the Temple and Commonwealth of the Jews.” First published in Latin, it consisted of more than 1,600 pages.

That’s right: evangelical right-wing Christian knowledge of the world stopped sometime in the 1650s. Do they really wonder why we think they aren’t so bright?

And 1600 pages? Wow! Everyone knows that the bigger a book is, the more truth it contains. I mean, hey, just look at the Bible, would you? Lots of pages! And Harry Potter? I rest my case!

Dumbledore is real and gay; he’s real gay!

Just think, not only do these people walk among us, but they breed.

Scary stuff indeed.

(found via PZ Myers – I really need to blog more so I can quit piggybacking on his beautiful finds).

Larry King’s New Role

Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007

King of the late night comeback comb-back.

Shudder.

Someone buy that man a mirror.