American Idol: Live Recap, April 10, 2007

Ahhhh, tonight’s singing legend, coaching these young pups to greatness, is the one and only Jennifer Lopez – J-Lo! – an actress/singer best known for having an ass that might take three hands to hold with the proper respect.

Four, maybe, if you’ve got little lady hands.

On with the show…

Melinda Doolittle: Good singing, but it didn’t do much for me. Sounded like a James Bond theme song (hell, maybe it was, I must admit I wasn’t paying that much attention as the kids are splashing in the bath and I don’t care to try the “American Idol defense” if they drown).

Lakisha Jones: Jennifer’s advice to her was to “ride the rhythm.” Sister, that’s how we ended up with baby #3 on the way.

As for the performance, certainly not her best. Randy is on crack. Paula appears to have left the crack at home this week (when she leads with the wardrobe comment, you know you’re in trouble). Simon is Simon.

Curious George:: When they spend more time on the guitar dude playing some Santana licks than on the singer, you know this just isn’t your night. Why did he start so low? That was painful.

Randy’s an idiot, still on the crack. Paula just borrowed some of Randy’s crack. Simon must have caught some of that secondhand crack smoke.

Haley Scarnato: Last week was yabos; this week is gams. Smart move waiting until next week for focus on the bottom, what with J-Lo around.

Phil Stacey: Sounds like Michael McDonald, with a wee bout of constipation.

Jordin Sparks: Good lord, has Jennifer Lopez offered anything of value to these contestants other than to impersonate a female Randy (with a delightful hiney)?

Harmless performance. Dull. Not nearly as aggressive and saucy as this vocal demands, but what can you expect from a young woman like Jordin Sparks, who is 27 feet tall.

Blake Lewis: Best performance so far, if you overlook the hat.

And, I admit, that’s difficult to do.

Sanjaya StillAroundForAnotherWeek: Damnit, those puppy dog eyes of his are going to keep him around another week, I swear. And it almost did not suck.

See you tomorrow night and next week…

2 Responses to “American Idol: Live Recap, April 10, 2007”

  1. Blake Says:

    If Jordin is 27 feet tall, how tall is Ryan then?

  2. Jon Says:

    Next week’s country. I’m guessing Blake will beat-box and weird-slide-dance to “Lucky Ol’ Sun”, Sanjaya will sport a bleached blonde mullet for his rousing rendition of “You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man (but I tried to get JLo’s number cause I’m a red blooded male who doesn’t wanna feel up Blake or Nosferatu or Ryan or any of ’em cause I want J’Lo’s number… I’ll call her… and we’ll have sexual relations… me and her… she’s a woman”) and Phil will sing the only ever truly depressing version of “All My Rowdy Friends are Coming Over Tonight”. (Phil’s probably the only guy ever to have his basic training D.I. say “Loosen up, boy…”; his dancing is like he’s terrified the Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell police are watching and are going to throw him in the brig if he shakes a hip or moves from knees up.) Melinda will probably grab country week and run with it- no shortage of Dolly or Patsy or Loretta hits I can imagine her nailing.
    And what in the name of hell was up with Lakisha and those back-titties? WOMAN- nothing wrong with being fat, really there isn’t, BUT DRESS FOR IT!

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